The Guilt Always Lingers

Just another payday and what do I got? Nothing. Right now, I still have to dream about the next payday to come. Still haven't paid my liabilities for squandering my boss' money. That means I need to work my ass out for another month and hopefully by then, I have something to spend just in time for my birhtday come September.

Good thing, I have quit gambling before I could have committed suicide. Yes, I have some suicidal tendencies and I am doing my best to hold firm to my decisions. No more gambling.

Ah, the thought! Do I really have to spend for my birthday? Or do I really have to celebrate my birthday? The idea of it makes me sick but knowing a lot of my friends are anticipating it just leaves the pressure. Last week, my sister sent me a text message. "Damdamagen ni Mama nu katnu ka nga agpaw-it ti kwarta ta awan ti igatang na ti agas."("Mom is asking if you could send some money, she is sick and she really needs to buy medicine.") I didn't even bother to reply. Why? Where would I get the money?

Guilt, guilt, and guilt. So much of it has been accumulated. I am intact. Thanks it doesn't make me explode. But this emotional feeling belittles my persona, myself and me.

A few months back, I promised my brother I would send him to school. My parents are jobless. When the schoolyear began, I never kept in touch again with my brother. I broke my promise and I just felt so little for hurting him. It has been two years. How eager he wanted to go to school and on my second promise, the more I crushed his expectations. If I were him, I would have rebelled. I am glad I heard from my sister that he is at home helping with the housechores and helping my dad raising some three pigs. Oh, that doesn't make my dad jobless at all.

My sister again. I think she always looks up to me as a brother who is always ready to help her when she needs help with the things she needs. Like school supplies. My parents can't give her everything and she somehow depends a lot on me. She always proudly tells her friends and classmates about my job being a teacher. One thing should make her angry though, I never bought her the eight notebooks as promised.

And I have nothing to send my family this payday. I don't know how they survive, I just hope my other brothers are earning some good living to continually support our family. Close family ties-this is what binds us together after all these adversaries in life. My boss once told me, "Why do you have to carry the burden of supporting your parents and your younger siblings. Teach them to look for their own jobs and to support themselves. The reason there is no development in your country is because you all depend too much on each other's support." He certainly hit a mark on my head.

Do you think I am a bad son? Do you think I am a bad brother?

Goal In! For the Blogger Challenge

A good friend at blogcatalog: came up with the idea of sponsoring his contest, "The Blogger Challenge": Just like me, he is new into blogging but he has been a long, long way. He seems so excited about blogging and his blogging progress has been tremendous I guess.

The goal is to challenge everyone to better their blog within one month beginning August 1, 2007. Judging will be based on the percentage increase in each of 3 categories… Technorati Favorites, Technorati Authority, and Alexa Ranking.

I had doubts joining the contest but my impulse tells me-I should give it a shot. Not only do I keep myself busy but offer myself a motivation to better my blogging. Besides, I owe a lot to blogging and the blogging communities I am in that somehow, I have deviated from my addiction to gambling and am on my way to proving everyone that there is something worth blogging for. What do you think?

My Bicycle In An Envelope

Sigmund Freud says that dreams are the interpretation of our sexual desires and I like to think so. We have fantasies and anxieties we cannot express during our waking hours but we see them come to life in our REM (Rapid Eye Movement). According to psychologists, this is the stage of sleep where we dream.

I was once told that he was a cousin of mine though in the farthest degree. His name is Joel, he once passed by the pathway in the backyard of our house. I was thirteen years old then and was excitedly awaiting the opening of classes for freshmen students in a nearby highschool. I was on a hill not far from the house plowing the garden plots where I would be planting some sitting beans.

He was one of the few people in the neighborhood who caught my eyes. Wearing a folded jeans smeared with mud splashes upto his knees and shirtless walking barefoot, his view from atop the hill where I was tending my garden seemed thrilling. I followed him with my eyes 'til he vanished in my sight.

Long story short, we became classmates and the rest was just a dream. Please check My Dreamzzz World: to see what the dream is all about.

I Just Love Blogcatalog

As a new blogger, I started wondering how to attract people to see my little sites. Getting two or three readers in a day would complete it. Then somebody told me about Blogcatalog. I actually posted an online help on Yahoo Answers and that is where I got the reply. He gave me a list of more than 20 blog communities and directories, but there must be something with blogcatalog that makes it one of my favorites. Gosh, like I spend more than ten hours online Blogcatalog. Funny, that I always make sure I am logged into it while teaching my students online. You can here me clicking all the time.

Why do I like Blogcatalog?

I like its user interface if I may call it right. Blogcatalog as compared to other blogging communities is very user friendly. I mean, as a member you can make yourself at home. I remember on my first day and in less than hour, I easily got my way around. Like the profile page reminds me of the living room where you entertain your visitors and friends. And if you are hungry for a good talk and just want to share your ideas, you can go to the "Kitchen" or I mean the discussion area. You have to find out the other rooms yourself and I know it's gonna be facile.

This community is where your blogs can be noticed and get more people visit your site. It is indeed a community where people can respond to each other, communicate and reciprocate each other. There are several neighborhoods to join and discover.

The Good News

Now, more people have known my sites and my traffic seems to be increasing as the time goes by.

I Just Love Blogcatalog.^^

Hiding in my own little castle

Currently, I live with my boyfriend's family. It's a small place but compared to my previous dwellings, I found some peace here. That could have been 100% if everyone in the home knows the real me. Yes, sad to say that not everyone in the family knows about my queer personality. Perhaps they all know but they just don't want to tell it straight to my face. I think, this is the reality. In as much as we don't want to hurt someone's feelings, we tend to conceal our real intention through display of pretensions.

As of yet, I still have to suck up to everybody's expectations. It's hard but I have to live with that and I know it is temporary.

My boyfriend has somehow planned to go back abroad and would have gone earlier had I not always discouraged him. We are still together and we both share the ups and downs of living in a society where people like us always have to struggle with. I used to live in his family's house even before he went abroad but I left because I felt so scared of being alone. Now I am back to the place which I once turned my back on.

Somehow, I found a castle where I can't totally enjoy the bliss of freedom. It is a castle where my actions and words have to conform to the standards of a manly society. If not for my boyfriend, I would have shown who I really am in the first place. But things aren't just easy. There are people especially our loved ones that we don't want to hurt and we have to protect.

I once told him to tell about our secret but he didn't want to. When the time came that he was ready for the revelation, then it was I who changed his mind. Until now, everything is just a show. I always try to pretend who I am but I know I am not a bad guy. (I mean gay, lol.)

The Rescue

After two months of destitution in my new found place, my prince in his shining armor came to the rescue. I call it destitution because I lived more poorly than a mouse. There were days and weekends I would just lie in bed and let go of my hunger. Ironic as it may seem, I would gladly lend a helping hand to neighbors borrowing money and kitchen utensils from me but when I am in need, I just feel timorous. My boyfriend would tell me it is my pride but I just don't really have the guts especially when I am not so familiar with the person's character yet.

One Saturday evening in the rainy month of September last year. I was so penniless and had not eaten for lunch and dinner that I just confined myself in the room lying in bed with the electric fan on. I was damn hungry. (I had just resigned earlier from my job and still waiting for the payday at my newly found one.) I couldn't hold out the hunger that as it was getting late I stealthily left the place to avoid the bystanders including Jonathan and his group mess me up.

I hurried to the bowling place on foot though it was drizzling, hoping that some of my friends were playing at that time. I had just joined a bowling club a few months ago then and I met some interesting and good people. I chanced to see them there that night and fortunately, I felt relieved at their presence in there enjoying some beer. They were just done playing the last round of their bowling games.

Without hesitation, I told my gay friend Fred, that I had skipped two of my meals and was hoping he could lend me a hundred pesos to get me through the weekend while waiting for my payday. He did give me some money and asked me to go to the nearest cafeteria and reminded me that I would rather spend the night at his home after.

At his home, we continued drinking some rounds of beer. After a while, he told me that my boyfriend had just sent him a message asking about my whereabouts and my condition. I had not kept in touch with my boyfriend for quite a long time at that time since I lost my phone and had no money for a replacement. He never knew about my new boarding house and I had to keep it secret so as not to make him worry.

We went drinking until daybreak until Fred offered me his phone. "Why don't you call him at his house?" I asked, "Who?" He said, "Your boyfriend!""You're kidding!" I replied. Him again, "I am serious, he just sent me a message that he is coming here to see you. He has been here a few days ago!" With that confirmation, I sat down at the corner of the sofa and started getting so emotional. I felt so relieved and tears just started rolling down eyes. "You go and give yourself a bath before he comes!" It was Fred again handing me a towel.

When my prince arrived, I started crying. We hugged each other and he started caressing my back for the solace. I seemed like a child who has not seen his mother for a long time. Fred and his roommate who also happens to be a close friend of mine left laughing at the sight.

FLASHBACK:Though it pained us both, I recall him leaving a few months earlier to look for a greener pasture abroad. Five months later, he came back home because of some terrible working situations in a foreign country.

A few days later, I had to move out again.

He would offer sex then ask money after

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