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Wednesday, July 11, 2007

The Awakening ( I hope it is, finally..)

Whenever I have plans for myself, procrastination is my worst enemy.

Sometimes, I hate talking about New Year's resolutions knowing that I won't be able to keep them anyway. I feel sorry for myself for constantly asking other people's advice but not taking the heed. Most of the time, I feel like I want the whole world to hate me and condemn me for being such an addict-a person hooked to gambling. I think I have always considered life as a game that most of the time I don't take it seriously. Whenever I lose huge amount of money, I have the proclivity to end my life or just wander in the streets and live like the the tramps full of cruds on the streets. I deeply apologize to all the people, my friends who have constantly discouraged and warned me about my gambling addiction but to no avail. Your words of encouragement and enlightening were enough to keep me going despite my being embattled these days.

The other day passed and I was in hot water. I still am until now. The problem has not yet been solved. Despite the persistent warning given by my boyfriend, I still braved the heavy rains and made my way to the Casino. I bet, I stayed there for more than twelve hours, and as usual I lost. The only consolation I got was that I was able to take back the phone which I pawned again three days ago.

I came to the office late and I missed two of my classes. My boss really got mad and my fellow teachers were so worried that they started texting and calling all possible contacts of mine to learn about my whereabouts. I did not bother to text them nor call them since my phone had been dead for several hours. At the office, upon turning on my computer, my boss sent me an instant message right of the bat and I had to make an alibi. I wonder if he knew it was a lie. I didn't tell him what really happened. Somehow, I feared losing my job. Things popped in my mind and I was taken to a scene where I saw myself begging on the streets and all my friends and relatives turned their back on me. They got fed up helping and giving me advice.

Though groggy and sleepy as I was, I started my first class and told myself, "I made my way out now, I won't ever go to the Casino anymore." Moments later, my boyfriend arrived and he was panicky.

2 comments:

Mauro C. said...

Hi there :)
Thanks for your comment in 1 Million Love Messages.
I really don't understand your technical problems sending your love message!
I hope you can soon :)
Best regards From Portugal my friend

Manila Mom said...

I admire your honesty and courage. I wish you all the best in your continuing fight to reclaim yourself. Don't give up!