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Monday, July 2, 2007

From Religious to Oblivious

My Boyfriend asked me to go to church but I refused.

There was a time in my life when everyday would not go by if I had not prayed the rosary. Yes, at the age of 13, I started getting more aware of what religion was all about, of Jesus Christ, of Blessed Virgin Mary, and of The Roman Catholic Church.

All my family members and I were baptized under the Catholic Church. Though there were ocassions that only my mom and I would attend the Sunday mass at a nearby church, we would often go to church as one family all together on Sundays. The church was my refuge especially during the time my dad was a habitual drinker and would come home creating an atmosphere of war and hatred at home. I used to hate my dad a lot. These days though, I have somehow realized his importance to me and to my family. The last time I went home. I saw that he was a renewed man. My mom told me that he rarely drinks nowadays. That was one of the good news I have heard on my way back home then.

When things were getting rough for my family, there was also a time I gave up on my religion. I learned not to trust nor believe in God anymore. Then I became a more sociable person. There were people of course teasing me about my gender but that did not pave the way for me to live alone. I made a lot of friends in the neighborhood and I became a somebody. I was seen as a good example to my fellow children and citizens in the village. People would often see me as the best helper of my mom. I would do the laundry, clean the house, wash the dishes, sell ornamental plants so we could buy our provisions. One time when my mom just gave birth to my youngest brother, I had to carry the burden of doing all the household work. Despite people calling me gay, I became the apple of the eyes of most of the mothers in the village.

Then I learned to join a certain youth club. Eventually, I became one of its leaders. One of the founders of the club was a retired teacher who devoted her time in teaching us the word of God and Jesus Christ and Mama Mary. She soon became a nun. I really liked her and her devotion to serving the lord. That's when I learned the power of praying the rosary. I taught my brothers and my mother how to pray the rosary. My dad was not that religious so I did not bother to invite him because of fear of being turned down. It's ironic though because my dad always whispers some prayer before meals though he is not so vocal about it and he would find it uncomfortable inviting us in union of prayer.

Later, I started leading rosary crusades, joining Bible studies, recollections, and church-related activities. I learned a lot of miracles not only from the history, from the Bible but also from my neighbors. My faith in God grew and got deeper.

Sometimes, there are things in life, turns of incidents, circumstances that test our faith in God. I think I was a victim of it as my beginnings were gone to waste. I dropped out of school, my family remained one of the poorest in the neighborhood, and I had just no directions. I felt like the world was against me. My impatience consumed the whole me. At the end of the day, I just turned away from God.

I am writing this not because I want to express my disbelief in God. Though I have not been going to church, I believe in the existence of God. And that we are his ancillaries.

What's causing me pain is that I feel totally away from God because of gambling. My boyfriend is a very religious one and I really thank God for giving me someone like him who stands as my angel all the time. He always invites me to go to church but I always refuse him. He always prays for me. He goes to church every Wednesday and Friday on a regular basis. One time, when I lost at the Casino, my boyfriend asked me if we could drop by the church nearby. I was so bad that I refused him. May God forgive me for my doings. For now, I think I am not yet ready to bring back my inveterate belief in God. I am not yet ready to turn my back on gambling. For now, let my mental belief in God play my responsibility. I will always think of what my boyfriend told me. "You know, you give more time to gambling than to God and your friends!"

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