Subscribe

RSS Feed (xml)

Powered By

Skin Design:
Free Blogger Skins

Powered by Blogger

Friday, August 3, 2007

He Behind Me and I Behind The Tree


This is the continuation of the post Faggot Bitch

"Aha, so after all of this time of living a decent and moral life despite my homosexuality, this is what I have to hear from my dad? And why the hell didn't I defend myself?" I just froze when he started talking earlier. Time has tested, no one at home would ever beat him in an argument. I didn't want to argue anymore. Not want to set the small spark ablaze.

I became so close and attached with my friends that I would often arrive home late. My friends and I would often watch TV until 2:00 or 3:00 a.m, or talk about the teenage life, sometimes drink, help each other remodelling or giving one's room a fresh look, play scrabble or sometimes table tennis. (You know teenagers have so much excitements and proclivity to so many things.) Deep inside, it was also a way of rebelling against my parents for not supporting my education. Many people said I was a waste that my intelligence was not nurtured. That aggravated the self-pity I had for myself.

Upon realizing that he had already fallen asleep, I half-opened the small window in my room and crawled my way out. Had to be careful not to rouse the neighbors' dogs. It was around 2:00 pm. With some conviction in my mind, I heard a whisper say "Let the accusation come to life."

Walking several kilometers, reaching the park with insufficient illumination was easy. The park was so quiet. The only noise you could hear were the vehicles speeding up before daylight to reach their destination. I started wandering around and noticed some people sleeping on the park benches and the loans. I never noticed any suspicious activities.

Rumor has it that gays and call boys made it their rendezvous for some sexual pleasures in the dark. People say that some boys there are ready for pick up if you have the money. Interestingly, that is where university students who run short of money to pay for their tuition find the solution to their financial problems. I never had the money but I just got curious. The reality of it had never occurred to me before. Going there on shorts indicated I had no money but my curiosity and perhaps my excitement to find out the words of mouth myself catapulted me in no time.

An hour had passed and I didn't sense any signs of immorality. I decided to turn my back and walk my way back home. While at the outskirts of the park, I tried to look around bushes of wild sunflowers in abundance in the surroundings. I paused, heaved a sigh and not far from my stance, I saw a silhouette of a guy around 5'7". A little bit taller than me. I think he just made an inviting gesture, that I followed him.

He was completely a stranger but the darkness was not enough to cover his musculinity and his good looks. I didn't have second thoughts as he started to pull out his arms, I mean his weapon, oh sorry I mean his thing. (Ok, now I have to sound more nasty.....ready?)He pulled out his penis and started stroking it. Like tempting a child with a succulent and lickable chocolate.

Farther down the bushes was a tree which I didn't actually recognize. Might have been an avocado, but I never paid attention. He led me there, pulled down my shorts...and then...the rest was a combo of two P's. Pain and Pleasure. We never talked to each other after the quickie and I left. The guilt I had earlier as we were doing it accompanied me on my way home.

The day was breaking as I arrived home a little bit limping. Everybody at home was still asleep and I stealthily entered my room through that small window-my gateway to paradise and perhaps the threat to my salvation. As I was silently closing the window, I looked at the azuring sky and uttered to myself, "Please forgive me."

FLASHBACK: Knowing the real me was not an issue, though I was not so openly gay at that time, I never had any sexual intercourse with men until right after my dad's accusation.He just crushed my being. I never wanted to argue with the king of the house. The hurt and the constant "why's" just stayed within me. Until now, the hurt continues to ignite, but having accepted myself and perhaps God's plan for me is a consolation. I have forgiven my dad and learned to adjust.

/Stumble This/ Fave This On Technorati/

16 comments:

Lianne said...

How painful to hear something like that from your own father, especially when you had not even done what he accused you of. I am glad you have been able to forgive your father...but have you forgiven yourself? From your posts, I gather you are full of guilt, not only about this, but in general. Don't dwell on the past, my friend, or it will destroy you.

I tried to leave a comment for you yesterday, but I guess it didn't go through. I just wanted to say, you are not a bad son or a bad brother. A bad person would not care, and you obviously do. Look to the future, and know that you are precious in God's eyes.

Have a nice day, and thank you for stopping by my blog the other day.

Anonymous said...

Hi--These are two powerful posts. When I was 13, I was gang raped by fellow students. When I got home, all bloody and with torn cloths, my father beat me up for being a faggot. He said what happened is result of my being a faggot, because faggots provoke good boys to acts of violence, even if no sexual activity or passes were made. I'm staying anonymous to your readers, as I haven't even gotten up the nerve to post this on my blog. Suffice it to say, while I don't shy away from nasty words on my blog, I rarely, rarely use them in my poetry. Thanks for your upbeat comment.

ADMIN said...

Hello sir,
I am searching for link Exchange and technoratti faves partners.
heres my link : http://tekabhi.blogspot.com

Let me know your opinion.
Regards,
Abhi

paisley said...

darling,, i have been agonizing over what to say here,, i am still unsure... parents have the evil ability to heap such fiery ashed upon our heads,, as we are their offspring...who gave them that right i am unsure...

... as you too my dear must let it go... find happiness and allow yourself to enjoy life,, your life your way... he is at the loss then for not being able to share in your joy....

Rocky John Tayaban said...

Hi Kabayan,

Seems your blog's getting more comments everyday. Good luck to your endeavors.

Starting to see you dramatic side this time. Cheers mate. and do visit Blogging Mix when you have time.

GAY BIPOLAR GUY said...

I linked these two posts in a post of mine (of course, reciprocation is not being solicited). I admire you very much. Just don't grow cynical, which too many of my friends have done as they aged. That's just plain ugly; you're not.

KaThYcOt ;p said...

guess what,one of my closest gay friend is still not out openly because he's father might know and possibly kill him.one time he tries to ask my friend if he's gay,but without letting my friend answer back he said that if he is..he will kill him at that moment..afraid of getting killed by his own dad he never answered.until now, he longs for being a complete person,but how if he's own father wouldn't accept him... atleast for your situation,your father knows...
i just hope that elders accept their kids as what they are and not to what they want them to be

Lordmanilastone said...

hi lianne, i am learning how to forgive myself, i'm sure the healing process will continue as i learn to grow each day accepting the real me^^

Lordmanilastone said...

hi anonymous, i also feel for your experience, sometimes we really don't expect that the people closest to us would cause our hurts, eventually though, we learn to forgive them, i am not sure though if you are ok with your dad now, i hope you are, you really write poems well, thanks for constantly passing by^^

Lordmanilastone said...

hi paisley, thanks for the wise words and thanks again for being a friend, knowing friends here on the net makes it worthwhile to spend most of my time here ^^

Lordmanilastone said...

hi rocky john, i just did and thanks for the visit, keep in touch kabayan^^

Lordmanilastone said...

hi kathycot, i hope your friend soon finds peace and freedom, your friend must be lucky to have you as a friend who is always ready to understand him, being a friend is a sweet thing as we can openly share with them our burdens in life^^

~Deb said...

I can feel the anguish built up within this post. You write very well---and your story really captures the reader. I'm sorry you had to go through all that emotional turmoil with your father.......but I really believe that our experiences lead us to paths unknown; they strengthen us and educate us in a whole different light. Never regret your past- it's what makes you "you" today. I hope that you've come to a place of peace and calmness where you know that God loves you no matter what...

Thank you for sharing this so openly.

GAY BIPOLAR GUY said...

Hey--I hope you're okay and everything.

Sam said...

A very powerful and thought provoking story. If I were you, stay away from your dad. Start on your own.

Lordmanilastone said...

hi staggo, thanks for the heads up, i am ok, just a little bit busy these days preparing my students' exams, i appreciate you leaving a message for me, ^^