Confession of a Gay and Losing Again At the Casino

An old friend sent me a text message yesterday telling me of how happy and successful the class reunion was. I still feel sorry for not being able to attend the party. I just reasoned that I was not yet ready to face high school mates knowing that not all of them know of my true personality. There were pretensions in the past. I am not sure if they knew I was gay, though I could feel some doubts in their eyes and ways of dealing with me. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me the truth or confront me thinking that I may get offended. I think that is the reality. In our lives there are people that we come across with and instanly we have our own impressions. Whenever we think someone's gender is in question, we as much as possible avoid confrontation or humiliating that person. I would like to deny the fact that I never knew I was gay. I knew I was even before I was younger but I just kept it to myself all through out the years because of family pressure and because my relatives keep pushing me to be a real man. Had I not been dictated on, I would have been a very very successful gay person like most famous gays in the Philippines. We have a famous gay in the field of cosmetics, entertainment, business, etc. I would have been more liberated without inhibitions joining TV contests which offer huge cash prizes. I have always dreamed of giving a wonderful life to my family most specially my parents. I know I am a gifted person and I know I am intelligent. I can make a difference but it jus so happened that I am gay and no one supported me. Everybody hated the real me so I had to project a picture all through the years which pleased everybody, which everybody liked. Now, I blame them for whatever miseries I am going through. I have been working for more than seven years now but I still don't see myself as a successful person. There are still many things to work out on. Right now, my future is very much obfuscated. My future is in jeopardy, my life has no direct course-all because of my addiction to gambling.

So then, Jayson-one of my close friends in High School got the first-hand information about the real me. I asked him if he understands my situation and he gave gave a comforting reply. He said that we will be friends forever despite the confession. To ease my burden, I also asked him to start telling all my classmates in high school and perhaps all the people we know.

For the nth time-I went to Casino and lost and ended up watching a concert