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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Hiding in my own little castle

Currently, I live with my boyfriend's family. It's a small place but compared to my previous dwellings, I found some peace here. That could have been 100% if everyone in the home knows the real me. Yes, sad to say that not everyone in the family knows about my queer personality. Perhaps they all know but they just don't want to tell it straight to my face. I think, this is the reality. In as much as we don't want to hurt someone's feelings, we tend to conceal our real intention through display of pretensions.

As of yet, I still have to suck up to everybody's expectations. It's hard but I have to live with that and I know it is temporary.

My boyfriend has somehow planned to go back abroad and would have gone earlier had I not always discouraged him. We are still together and we both share the ups and downs of living in a society where people like us always have to struggle with. I used to live in his family's house even before he went abroad but I left because I felt so scared of being alone. Now I am back to the place which I once turned my back on.

Somehow, I found a castle where I can't totally enjoy the bliss of freedom. It is a castle where my actions and words have to conform to the standards of a manly society. If not for my boyfriend, I would have shown who I really am in the first place. But things aren't just easy. There are people especially our loved ones that we don't want to hurt and we have to protect.

I once told him to tell about our secret but he didn't want to. When the time came that he was ready for the revelation, then it was I who changed his mind. Until now, everything is just a show. I always try to pretend who I am but I know I am not a bad guy. (I mean gay, lol.)

1 comment:

paisley said...

there are so many wonderful gay bloggers out there.. i think you have met gaybipolarguy...and what about b. kitty??? go there and start to cruise some of the links,, i am sure you will find a lot of guys that you can really get some good advise on, in this area... in the meantime,, i am surely your friend... and if you need to talk... you know where to find me.....

i am just happy you are with your bf and safe... above all... and dont gamble!!!!!lol