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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

The Guilt Always Lingers


Just another payday and what do I got? Nothing. Right now, I still have to dream about the next payday to come. Still haven't paid my liabilities for squandering my boss' money. That means I need to work my ass out for another month and hopefully by then, I have something to spend just in time for my birhtday come September.

Good thing, I have quit gambling before I could have committed suicide. Yes, I have some suicidal tendencies and I am doing my best to hold firm to my decisions. No more gambling.

Ah, the thought! Do I really have to spend for my birthday? Or do I really have to celebrate my birthday? The idea of it makes me sick but knowing a lot of my friends are anticipating it just leaves the pressure. Last week, my sister sent me a text message. "Damdamagen ni Mama nu katnu ka nga agpaw-it ti kwarta ta awan ti igatang na ti agas."("Mom is asking if you could send some money, she is sick and she really needs to buy medicine.") I didn't even bother to reply. Why? Where would I get the money?

Guilt, guilt, and guilt. So much of it has been accumulated. I am intact. Thanks it doesn't make me explode. But this emotional feeling belittles my persona, myself and me.

A few months back, I promised my brother I would send him to school. My parents are jobless. When the schoolyear began, I never kept in touch again with my brother. I broke my promise and I just felt so little for hurting him. It has been two years. How eager he wanted to go to school and on my second promise, the more I crushed his expectations. If I were him, I would have rebelled. I am glad I heard from my sister that he is at home helping with the housechores and helping my dad raising some three pigs. Oh, that doesn't make my dad jobless at all.

My sister again. I think she always looks up to me as a brother who is always ready to help her when she needs help with the things she needs. Like school supplies. My parents can't give her everything and she somehow depends a lot on me. She always proudly tells her friends and classmates about my job being a teacher. One thing should make her angry though, I never bought her the eight notebooks as promised.

And I have nothing to send my family this payday. I don't know how they survive, I just hope my other brothers are earning some good living to continually support our family. Close family ties-this is what binds us together after all these adversaries in life. My boss once told me, "Why do you have to carry the burden of supporting your parents and your younger siblings. Teach them to look for their own jobs and to support themselves. The reason there is no development in your country is because you all depend too much on each other's support." He certainly hit a mark on my head.

Do you think I am a bad son? Do you think I am a bad brother?

13 comments:

paisley said...

you have only just begin your life in your new found addiction of blogging... if you keep with it,, it will keep you from gambling and the money will continue to come in and soon you will find that you do have something to contribute to your families well being... here in the usa,, we are not as family oriented,, so i applaud you in your effort to support your family...

rome wasn't built in a day,, as the saying goes.. just stick to what you see is working,, and it will in a short time iron itself out....

paisley said...

oh... i forgot to mention the new site design.. it looks great.. clean and concise,, and the new description line is excellent too......

GAY BIPOLAR GUY said...

I'm not going to attempt to minimize your feelings and issues. When I found myself in a similar situation, where I could not be the one to facilitate others' lives, I sent out a mass mailing (same letter, even to good friends), and told them all to !@$% off. Sort your own lives out. From this moment, I'm free of you, and I can now breath. It totally worked for me. I have no idea how it worked out for them. I never thought to ask.

KaThYcOt ;p said...

hi..my lola once told me that it is not the responsibility of the children to provide for her/his parents when they grow up.it is the parents whos responsible in giving the best life to their children... but you know what, i also feel your sentiments, after i graduated i made it in the corporate world,for 2 years im sharing my earnings with them, i also promised them of me working abroad to help the family.but i left them on hang when i enter the married life. i know they are dissapointed in me eventhough they are not telling me straight face.but i can feel it. sometimes i also wish that ived taken other paths..but hey, life is still good...everything and wherever we are is still HE's plan for us... keeping the Faith is the key... love hanging in your blog by the way..

KaThYcOt ;p said...

and yeah, would you mind exchanging links? :)

Jessica Weisenfels said...

Good or bad?!

I'm pretty sure you are human, and therefore, both good and bad at all times in all situations.

~Deb said...

I had feelings of guilt when I got into the corporate world---I started taking my parents on lavish vacations and treating them to all sorts of things...because that's what they used to do for me... But now that I'm older, I find that I have my own family...even if it is just one another person...that I need to be responsible for only me and my partner.

No guilt. Take guilt, throw it in a bag and shoot it! (Don't shoot yourself of course...that would be bad!)

I hope you're in better spirits! Think UP!

Shinade said...

Listen to Paisley...she's pretty smart. Oh my word...I hope my kids take care of me when I get old. We are a pretty close knit group ourselves....if you go back and read some of my history you will understand the closeness between me and my 2 girls...we just sort of share...if one has and one needs we give. But, I do know the feeling of guilt....still dealing with it and my Mom passed away 13 years ago. I think if the world was the way I dream of it ....we should all---help take care of each other---related or not---crimeny see I feel guilty because I can't help and I don't even know you....guilt comes and goes...it's part of life...keep blogging though...I hope you do well in the contest.:)

Nick Phillips, MY said...

I'd have to agree with paisley on the gambling bit. Being addicted to blogging is much better than gambling and wasting your hard earned cash. It's great that you do want to support your family, but get your own life sorted out and then things will fall in place and you'll be surprised at how easy it is to make decisions then :) So, don't give up Dude!

Lordmanilastone said...

hi guys, thanks for all the encouragement and those wise words, i really am thankful to paisley for all the wisdom and advice, to gay bipolar guy for the new found friendship as well as with kathycot,deb and shinade,jessica, thanks a lot from the bottom of my heart, you are all such a blessing^^

Juliette Wer said...

I just wanted to say that I love the way you write. Keep it up friend!

Tatiana V said...

Guilt and the feelings it produces are terrible, and I know it from experience. Being on the same boat and feel always awful when unable to send the needed cash, but than when under pressure I always manage to produce more than when I am relaxed - so to say. It is a very bad thing for your health to always feel pressured, but on the other hand what can one do if he or she is the only child, and there is no one else who can help "your family, the one that helped you be and become what you wanted"? Sometimes I hope to win some good amount on the lotery and be able to provide everything to all of them so that I don't have to worry no more. This is all I really wish for myself - no more worries for the well being of my loved once. In any case, do not feel depressed and stop thinking suicidal thoughts...I mean it, you have to pick yourself up and try to see the things on the other side of the coin, and if you really want it - you will get it, simply believe in yourself, and make a plan and stick to it! Good luck :)

SuzyQ said...

I haven't read all of your blog yet but it seems like you've been in some dark places and have worked really hard at making your life work. You love, care and worry about your family, you feel responsible for them. This makes you a great brother and a thoughtful son.
You have a real talent for writing as well and I shall be visiting your blog again : )
Suzy.