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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Health and Fitness

It was the first time in months I had to commute back home alone last Friday night. I wasn't used to such but I had to heed to AJ's request. (He doesn't want to wait on me playing duckpin bowling until the wee hours of the next day (LOL)). I felt some thrilling liberty traversing the dark path towards home but the feeling of being abandoned was overpowering. With the heavy back pack weighing on my back and the trepidation lurking in my nervoused guts, I walked the long stretch of the road from my office to the highway for my bus way home. It was almost midnight.

The thoughts of AJ were my company. He would often carry my favorite green backpack containing my used clothings and some tchotchkes. Whenever we are headed for the junction, I'd often feel a recurrence of my youth looking at him while trailing behind. He is several inches taller than I am and he just walks really fast that I am often left panting a few meters away.

Damn it! I almost missed that. When I arrived at the junction where the bus stop is, I felt some pressure on my bag. My dubiety reminded me to turn my head and double check my bag. Just heard the place is infamous for snatchers and pickpockets. I recalled, I just put my old cellphone and the key to the office in my bag's side pocket. My head freaked out with the idea of losing an old phone geminated with sentimental value and worried about listening to rumors bannering a ransacked office when I'm back at work.

I was right, somebody behind me in the middle of the crowd tried to steal my dirty underwear. (LOL) No, I mean my cellphone(3210). The side pocket of the bag was fully opened but I was quick enough to prevent the worst case scenario. I just gave that lady in her 30's a cursing look, mental telepathizing I would call the police to squeal her arbeit in the central business district. And she had the nerve to steal the undies I bought at Divisoria? (LOL)(No, I mean my cellphone again.)

The long trip was not tedious rather it was giving me a renewed vigor. I would usually feel sleepy on the bus but at that particular moment, I was so alive. It was strange that there wasn't heavy traffic.

I had a mindset and plan that would surely anger my boyfriend once I hug him in bed later.

I dropped by the duckpin place expecting to see Fred. I surely missed sharing a few bottles of beer with him and a little memorable and sensible chit-chat, plus the benefit of sweating out playing a few rounds of bowling. To my dismay, he had left earlier when I arrived. The presence of Mommy Ruth though made me feel a little bit comfortable. She was telling me about her trip in Palawan and how she spent a memorable time with her relatives in the islands.

She hugged me at my entrance to the 9th lane. I always felt she was a mom. She is too caring and sweet.

"What do you want to drink, Miss Universe?" she enthusiastically asked. She was very eager to treat me for a drink.

"Really? are you treating me tonight?" I asked for assurance. She nodded. "One San Mig Light Mommy Ruth and that's all." I said, shyly.

She was playing with the other members of the club but she took a replacement and decided that we play, just the two of us. We were so happy with our scores. We hit more than a hundred pins in each of our three games. I won leading a few wooden lame ducks. It was such a nice game and it was indeed an exercise as we tried to finish the game so expeditiously.

While drinking my beer and she, her bottled mineral water, she noticed my wounds. I told her what had transpired in me in the past weeks.

"My son, you should see a doctor and have those wounds checked." she imparted. "How could you spend a lot on your drinking and smoking and be a miserly on your health and medications?" she sermoned this time. I looked at her and she read my eyes.

It was past 2:00 a.m when I decided to leave. I hope to see Fred the next time.

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Tuesday, October 30, 2007

My Three's

Got tagged by Mommy Kat and I want to share with you some information about me based on the questions below:


December 25
September 4
July 16

smoked a cigar
posted for My Dreamzzz World

healthy lifestyle
peace of mind
good income


My bf in highschool (bestfriend, LOL)
My only sister
My Filipino Teacher in highschool

peace of mind
good health

duckpin bowling

Panglao Beach

SM Malls
Divisoria Mall

Don Henrico's

Duckpin bowling
Table Tennis

Red Horse

eau de toilette
eau de toilette
eau de toilette ( I am not into using perfume so I am not familiar with their names.(LOL)


All Saints' Day
New Year

Reyna Elena


And now, I would like to pass this on to three of the wonderful bloggers I have known. cyberpunk , crazed_heck , and Chuva Chienes

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Monday, October 29, 2007

Pagerank: It's a 2-2-3

First and foremost, let me take this chance to thank Blogcatalog, Blogrecords and all the other blogging directories out there for the awesome achievement I got through my sites. (At least for a newbie like me) Special mention goes to my fellow bloggers, virtual friends, visitors of the sites, staunch readers, and all whom I might neglect to recall. Blogging hasn't been this rewarding without you guys.

Characters In My Life has a PR of 2, this site which I spend most of time on has a PR of 2, and My Dreamzzz World has a PR of 3. Finally after the long wait, I can finally say my blogging effort has come to fruition. This is such a big achievement on my part who was once so naïve of what blogging is all about. Thanks to Google which made it easy for me to discover the plethora of opportunities on the net.

I can’t express how much grateful and happy I am though I know PR 2 and PR 3 aren't really that much. I have considered my sites like my own children that I sometimes feel disheartened knowing I haven’t fed them with the latest posts. No matter how busy I am working as an Online Teacher, I will try my best to keep them updated as religiously as possible.

A million thanks everyone. !!!

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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Pecuniary Talk

Earlier, last week, Jenny, one of the latest additions to our roster of teachers asked me if I could lend her some cash- enough to suffice up her family needs more than a week before the company's pay out. I have known her for barely a month but obviously that incident where she discreetly approached me at my station was not something I had to take against her. I used to be a money-borrower myself and in all honesty, I still do until now.

"Teach, I am wondering if you have some spare..." she said matched with the hesitant and the hopeful expression in her face. I knew what she meant and I was momentarily speechless not confident enough to say 'yes.'

She went in to continue that she and her family just moved in to a new apartment and they have to start filling up their small room with their own domestic properties like stove, pots, dishes, as well as diapers for her baby and their daily provisions. She is just one of the moms out there I certainly commend for the courageous move to settle for a nuclear family in the city in exchange of the extended family she belonged in, back in her hometown in the country.

I never promised a favorable response of her untimely need since I myself had nothing to spare. I just told her I'd ask AJ if he has some to lend her.

Jenny is definitely one of the best teachers we want to work with in the company. Knowing she is trying to make things fall through right for her and her family- (she's got a toddler and a homemaker hubby) instantly left a good impression on me. I really wanted to help if I could.

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Friday, October 26, 2007

Ruminating My Religiousity

It was a quarter before noon when I decided to take my meal at Ate Liza's. I took one of the small round tables just beside it's entrance. Everybody in the kitchen seemed so preoccupied that my presence was apparently conspicuous. I have been skipping breakfast these days so my esurience pushed me to butt in with the customers scrambling for food over the counter. I told Ate Liza, I wanted some mung green soup for one of my seemingly habitual brunch sessions. I was trying to avoid a deja vu of what occurred the other day.

The other day, I got in the cafeteria just a few minutes past twelve and I felt sorry all the pots and containers were empty. There was nothing left to eat for a late comer like me. I was compelled to eat outside the building.

While waiting for my food to be served, I couldn't avoid wandering my eyes around. My wait was taking more than usual as expected. A fair looking lad measly enjoying his meal caught my eye. From his looks, I realized that he works at the printing press located just one notch up from the third floor of the building where our office is located. He looked dingy in his tattered pair of shorts and his shabby white shirt. In spite of that, he radiated a certain glow of a fine, young-looking, man.

He was unmindful I was watching him and I for the time being forgot I had to hasten my meal because I had to teach after thirty minutes.

After satisfying himself with one order of rice, a tiny bowl of complimentary soup, and half an order of sauteed cabbage, he bowed his head, clipped his hands, and started whispering a prayer. I was in awe. I was hurt to be confronted of my negligence of my faith. Memories of my Christianity in my yester years started flashing back in my head. I was such a fanatic then attending Bible studies, going to church regularly, praying the rosary, etc.

I watched him 'til he finished his communion with God. A twinge in my heart told me I haven't been thankful these days- a time when the quality of my life is moving forward. I am well recuperating from my disease, pleased with the buoyancy of my job, able to support my family despite the hard times, and free from major adversaries in life.

How could I be so ironic?

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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Reviewing my Patience

Patience is virtue. I know it's trite but I think I forgot to live by it in my class yesterday.

Here is what happened. I see the student online, click on his name in the main messenger window, and a conversation window appears. I click on the video icon, wait for a few seconds, (sometimes a few minutes depending on the internet speed) the connection loads, my student and I get connected. It's 8:30 pm and the class starts.

ME: Hi, Carlo, good evening! ( I project a wide smile to show how happy I am to see my student.)
CARLO: Yes...(His voice was very soft and was without vim.)
ME: Carlo, if your teacher says, "Good evening!" You should say,"Good evening, too!" Ok, one more time, Good evening Carlo!
CARLO: Good evening too.!
ME: Ok, very good, Carlo! Next question, Carlo, how are you doing today?
CARLO: I went to school today.
ME: What? No, I am asking you about how you feel today! (a bit intense but not yet shouting) How are you doing today?
CARLO: Today is Tuesday. (Seems like the student has left his zeal somewhere else as I can't sense it.)
ME: Carlo, I didn't ask you what day it is today. My question is, "How are you doing today?" Ottoke chininyehaeseyo? (I was compelled to speak in Korean for the seemingly alienated student.)How are you? (I was becoming redundant and starting to raise my voice.) Are you ok, are you fine, or what?
CARLO: I'm fine.
ME: Ok, very good. One more time, How are you doing today?
CARLO: I'm fine.
ME: Alright, very good Carlo. How about your mom, how is she doing today? ( a little bit calmed down this time)
CARLO: She is watching TV. (he really sounds lethargic and sluggish that he can hardly utter the words clearly)
ME: No! (annoyed again and starting to lose it) Carlo, were you listening to me? My question is, HOW is your mom doing today? I didn't say, WHAT is your mom doing today?
(I had to type the questions in the messenger window and emphasize the difference between HOW and WHAT. There is a long dead air. The student is quiet, so I have to repeat the question and try to make it easier for him. )
ME: Carlo, HOW is your mom doing? Is she fine, is she ok, is she feeling bad, what?
CARLO: Is she fine. (minus the right intonation this time)
(It's harder to teach online than teaching the student in the actual setting.)
ME: Ok, say it again, She is fine, or My mom is fine. (I stressed)(The student repeats for God's sake.) Alright, if I ask you the question, How is your mom doing, you can say she is fine. Can you say that again? (I ask the same question again for familiarity.) How is your mom doing?
CARLO: She is fine.
ME: And now, What is she doing? The question is what and not how. What is your mom doing?
CARLO: She is fine.

Once, my boss asked me about the progress of Carlo (not his real name).

"How about Carlo?," he asked. "His mother told me he still doesn't know how to read and he is not showing any improvement."

"Sir, his case is very isolated, I have been teaching him for almost a year and it's really hard to see any improvement in him. I have been doing my best to help him. I have other students younger than him who don't know how to read when they start their classes with me, but after three months or so they already know how to read and respond to the basic questions in English" I explained.

"So, you think there is something wrong with the student's mental state?" he asked again.

"I think so sir." I replied and my boss ended the phone call.

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Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Messy Garage

Cleaning my own room often bores the insouciant me. I seem to care less when it comes to the maintenance of peace and order in my small world.

After lunch, I had to bustle to my station. I barely had five minutes to log in and start my class in the middle of the day, only to find out later that my student would log in to tell me she was cancelling the class. She had to attend a special meeting in the academy where her daughter is enrolled.

Whew, I was a bit relaxed from the clear-cut panting which barged in the short talk I had with my student. I left my station and headed for my room just at the back. I decided to lean on my cushion though I was trying to avoid dozing off because I was scared that would worsen my sleeplessness later in the evening.

As, I turned on the fan across from the desk at the foot of my mattress. The cluttered desk caught my attention. I saw the old receipt I got from the bank where I deposited some amount of money a few months ago under my younger brother's account. The month on the receipt was May. That was the time I was not frequenting the Casino yet.

Then, all of a sudden, I had memories of my younger brother. The fourth son in the family. We haven't seen each other in a while. He is a driver who services Koreans who take short ESL courses in Baguio to and fro the airport in Manila. And just as I thought, it would be a full moment of relaxation for me, I ended up cleaning the mess. There were piles of receipts, a nail clipper, two broken alarm clocks, a busted lamp shade, a comb, a mirror, candy wrappers, and forget about the rest. (LOL)

I thought for a moment what has been keeping my brother busy these days. Yeah, perhaps there aren't a lot of Koreans these days to be picked up at the airport since the influx of these kimchi lovers in the country is seasonal. Maybe, he was at home cleaning up the messy garage where he stations our cousin's car. How I wish we had our own car to be parked in that property of ours. The garage was constructed and is being rented by my cousin. The last time I went home in February, the garage was a total mess. There were dilapidated sofa's piled up in one corner, spare tires everywhere, and there were even two small kennels. If you add the dogs and pups which enjoy their sanctuaries in the garage, that would be too much of a headache.

If only I had my own car, I would definitely do an extreme makeover of that filthy garage, like putting in garage cabinets

For now...I have to dream on.


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Online and Offline

You know, I just hate this particular student of mine. When I readied myself for our class at 5:20 p.m, I just saw him online. A minute just as I was about to give him a phone call, he suddenly appeared offline.

"Look at this student, " I told my fellow Teacher Harry. "He is offline again and I don't know if he is really interested in my class or not," I complained annoyingly.

"Sir, I have the same kind of student, sir." The ever-polite Teacher Harry replied. "I see him online but goes offline when it's time for the class," he added.

Last Friday, I was totally pissed off with the same student as he intentionally logged out of Windows Live Messenger in the middle of our class. I was just informed by his mentor in Korea after a while that he was very busy to actually finish the class.

If that were so, the student should have at least informed me himself before even kicking off his lazy butt of the internet. I was left in circles as I didn't know what actually happened. I even thought the problem was on my end.

What I demand from my students especially from their parents is to have me informed in advance of their intentions to skip the class. I don't want to be wasting my time just sitting in front of the monitor wondering whether my student would be online or not. There are many things to be prioritized and if I get informed earlier, at least I can do other things like take a walk, or read some gossip news at the cafeteria. (LOL) But to be honest, I sometimes feel delighted when my students decide not to attend the class. I can have plenty of leeway to think about my next posts.(LOL)

Just like next week, I am fervently anticipating the three-day holiday we have in the Philippines. As far as I know, the President has already declared October 29, November 1, and 2 as non-working holidays. (Please rectify me folks if I am wrong. Thanks.) My mind is tickled with so many thoughts about my plans for the week to come. But more of that will be for the next postings. For now...

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Make your hotel reservations

Christmas is more than two months from now but the season has definitely started leaving a trace of anxieties and excitement to people who believe that Jesus Christ indeed saved the mankind many, many, centuries ago.

As the celebration draws nearer, some people start planning for their Christmas Holidays. It must be an awesome way to celebrate the season without straining yourself with the expensive hotel reservations we have around. At Hotel Reservations though, it is a different story as it gives you the chance to travel to the remarkable spots we have around the globe without leaving your pockets empty.

At Hotel Reservations, they have the best hotels in the most coveted vacation spots like Australia, Italy, Asia, Germany, Greece, Belgium, France, England, Portugal, etc. Of course the vacation package wouldn't be complete without the presence of the beautiful hotels which magnify the significance of the holiday through the warmest and friendliest accommodations they have. The luxurious hotels including beach hotels do not only offer hot deals, but family fun, gambling, golf and spa. Just as with Hotel Reservations you can save up to 70% and can book online as their customer service is open 24/7. The toll free number to call is 1-800-447-4136 for USA and Canada, or if you are in Europe you can call 00-800-1276-3549. The worldwide phone number is (1) 817-333-5105.

I tried surfing other sites which offer hotel reservations and I can say that Hotel Reservations definitely has one of the best price offers. Say you want to go to Atlanta City, they have a room and breakfast package from $95.95.

There are so many other destinations and interests that lets you experience personal service and a cozy atmosphere when you stay at one of their top bed & breakfast picks. From quaint country inns to guest houses in historic cities, you'll discover the meaning of rest and relaxation at each of these lovely properties.

For sure, once I am able to afford my own vacation package, I surely know where to go.


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Monday, October 22, 2007

Christmas and Nostalgia

AJ and I on Mondays usually leave for work at around 11:00 a.m and we arrive at the work place more than an hour later. Earlier this morning he told me he wouldn't go to work with me because he had to finish some stamps ordered from him the night before. (By the way AJ is good at making stamps.) Before I left though, his father came telling him the work was done.

We both took a shower (one after the other, LOL) and expeditiously set off for the highway bus. He was behind me and before, I got on the bus, I heard AJ say, "Take the seat on the left side of the bus." It was an air-conditioned bus and he thought the left side of a bus would always be cooler than the other.

Anyway, I sat on the right side and he gave me a petty nudge. Annoyed, he said, "Didn't I tell you to take the left side?" I looked at him and I raised my hand and felt the air coming out of the fan blade and told him, "It's cool here."

The short journey to work was a defeaning silence between him and me. I was dozing off on the bus and he was listening to some music on his phone. He gave me another nudge just before we arrived at the train station. He was still quiet and so was I though he was too quick to get us train tickets.

At work, I immediately turned on my pc and checked my e-mail. The dial-up connection at home last night was too slow that I decided to just play red-alert 2 (LOL). Somebody told me that it is really an old game (and so am I) to be so naive how to go about it. Since I started playing that game, I have never won any campaign. Not until I came across one of jerad's post about tesla coils and stuff . I figured the reason my warriors coming out of the barracks and the expensive war structures always get electrocuted by lightning. If my discovery is right, then next time, I should immediately disable my prism towers when a lightning storm is created as they could be the culprit why I always end up losing or sometimes aborting the game.(LOL)

Anyway, as I checked my e-mail, some good news greeted me with surprise and broke the silence between AJ and me. My post entitled, I signed up for PPP got approved. I never thought it was that easy.

I was so carried away that I swallowed my pride and called AJ to see the e-mail. We were both happy. Later, I received a text message from my sister telling me to buy her some stuffed toys for Christmas. I grinned, typed in yes, added I'd be home for Christmas, and as the message was sending, a moment of nostalgia embraced me. I looked at AJ and said, "We are going home for Christmas."

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Saturday, October 20, 2007


Once upon a time, when I was a high school student, I had a dream. I was very vocally zealous to share with my friends, classmates, and to all the people I was comfortable with my bright expectations for the future. I dreamt of having my own family.

Whenever asked about my future plans, I recall myself say, "I'd get married at the age of 30 just in time after I have afforded a car, a home, sacks of diapers, and other necessary provisions for my family. I had learned then that the ideal number of kids for parents to raise was "four" and I had wanted to have "three".

Once upon a time, I was a mirror of vigour who showed passion in studying, treading the propitious journey towards the pot of gold- the realization of my dream.

But then, once upon a time, the azure sky slowly faded away as the clouds humiliated its ostentatious display of hope and the thought that it was free to to dream after all was drastically ripped off me. I progressed and moved forward looking at the horizon conjoined with the unfolding of my individuality. The bitter reality of my personality made the easily achievable farfetched. The ingrained social prejudice for people with queer sexual orientation seemed to have blurred out the actualization of my most cherished dream. I felt I was doomed for life for something I didn't want to be a part of my existence. I knew I would never get married to a woman who could bring forth my offsprings.

I am gay and whether I like it or not, it's much harder than I thought to actually have a family I can call my own. I want to have my own biological children but something in me is telling that the idea of it alone is hard to stomach. I often think of the feasibility of adopting some children but my paranoia and insecurity wouldn't let me settle for such. I know there must be other options. I am not too old to allow other possibilities in my life.

Earlier today, I was looking at my wounds again. Oh, yeah I forgot to mention that a small one has just popped out but it is manageable so far. The hardened blood seem to be slowly chipping off the wound and is gradually leaving a circular scar on my leg. I just kinda had a hard time making my way to the living room from my room on the second floor because the wound is a little swollen. I was prompted to buy myself some antibiotic capsules though I was doubtful If I had to take ‘some meds’ because I am still worried upto now whether that would be good for my recuperation from hepatitis.

AJ had to leave the house earlier and it was a very unusual day for me finding myself alone in the living room watching his nieces and nephews naively playing before my eyes.

Once AJ’s mother told him, “You have to love these kids and take care of them because they will look after you when you get old.” I thought of its implication and wondered to myself whether his mom guessed he would not settle for his own family in the future. Sometimes AJ tells me of his plans to get married and have his own family. Though it surely makes me sad and uncomfortable, I always tell him to do what is expected of him. I tell him that it is his freedom to do so and that I don’t have the right to tell him not to. If he wants to get married then so be it. I know where I stand in his life and I am totally different from a woman who can provide him with children. I know my limitations and I know that the relationship we have is temporal.

As always, I see AJ so close to his nephews and nieces and even sometimes to the point of pampering them like giving them a treat at commercialized fast food chains, buying them presents everytime he can afford to.

As for me, I don't have my own nieces and nephews yet and when the time comes I have, I am not sure if I can be loved by them as AJ's nieces and nephews love him.

For now, all I can do is to live life as it is. I certainly don't want to live a solitary life in the future. AJ, is not everything to me but he certainly makes me happy and is the alleviation of my fears and worries in life. For how long? I am uncertain.

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Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I don't think 'him' is selfish

To give you my beloved readers ease of understanding of the following post. I would like to give a name to my boyfriend this time. Let me /call him AJ.

As I got up this morning, the gloomy appearance of the sky outside my glass window, plastered a thought on my mind. It would have been ok if I exercised. It's been a while and I haven't sweat it out. It was almost ten and the sullen environment aggravated by the absence of the sunlight was inviting me to go to the rooftop of the building and start flexing my muscles.

Got the thought that the wound on my leg which is showing evidence of healing is giving me a pat to start getting back to my old lifestyle. I mean, I used to be athletic but I've been so lackadaisical these days to do the things I used to enjoy to maintain a healthy lifestyle.

While taking the stairs from the 3rd floor to the 8th floor, I couldn't help but keep thinking about the outburst of my anger last night. It got ignited when out of nowhere AJ told me he had a word war with his younger brother because of financial matters.

My initial reaction was so intense. My impulse hinted that he was insulted. Impartialled by the familiarity I have with AJ, I felt vicariously outraged. I wanted to explode like a bomb. If I were at home, I would have defended him to the hilt. How I had wished I transformed myself into a grenade and shattered that pathologically niggard, younger brother of him into pieces of stinking meat. Yeah, right then and there when he was inconsiderably and unflinchingly verbally attacking AJ at home. And he had the nerve to say that to him? Did he even know what he said to his older brother? That was clearly a blatant disrespect for AJ.

AJ’s younger brother was being reminded by their mom to share with the monthly electric consumption. This is commonplace among extended families in the Philippines where more often than not, family ties seem to be pulling the leg of every household member. He would often give his alibis and just as he was trying to concoct another excuse why he couldn’t pinch in for the payment of the electricity consumption for the month, AJ decided to stick his oar in the conversation. Then the surprise came in as he started ranting about how AJ has been unable to fully support his family these days and that he shouldn’t have the right to interfere with the monthly liabilities of the household. AJ of course was aggravated, exchanged some bitter words with him but in the end, he acquiesced in the accusations and false impression of his younger brother.

As we were chatting and he telling me what happened, I ended up blaming him for not even trying to defend himself and let his brother know of all his sacrifices. I was really maddened that seemingly he gave in to the nonsense notion of his younger brother.

I just hate his younger brother for that wilful disregard of AJ. In the first place, he owes not only me but AJ some undisclosed amount of money. Did he ever pay us? No. Everytime we remind him of his debts, he gets pissed off and he doesn't have the thought enough to know what "voluntary" means.

When his baby succumbed to convulsion and kept vomiting just two weeks ago, who dared spent money for the baby’s medications and transportation to the hospital? My boyfriend did and he didn't even ask his ungrateful brother for a payback. Did his younger brother even care to reciprocate for the good deed? Nah, not even a simple "thank you."

His younger brother with his big family (five children) occupy a portion of the house which without AJ’s hardwork and sacrifice abroad would have not been constructed. AJ worked abroad for almost ten years unmindful of his own interest to earn money to be able to build a decent home for his family. They used to live in a shanty in a squatter area and the three-storey house now where his family lives is the product of his sweat, blood, and wasted youthfulness, I suppose. If he only thought of himself at those times, he would have been living a secure and relaxed life now. But at his age, more than 30 years old, he still doesn’t have his earnings. Unlike me who feels guilty of not being able to help send my brother to college, AJ was able to help three of his siblings finish some degrees in college. AJ, had to drop out of his engineering major prior to working abroad. He was deprived of the education which he unselfishly granted his siblings. AJ is such a noble person worthy of emulation. He is an exemplar whom I sometimes draw my inspiration from.

AJ has always been good to everybody in his family and his kindness and generosity extends to his relatives. Whatever he wants to lead his life to, that shouldn't be my business anymore. But why do I feel hurt for him? I feel sad when he is sad. I just have some fear though. Sometimes the kind of compassion I have for him provides a verisimilitude of how I should feel for him.

As for his brother, he always borrows money from other people without paying them back in time. Sometimes he hides under his bed when people whom he borrowed money from start collecting his debts. He is a pathological niggard who prioritizes his luxuries in life like owning two motorcycles and an owner-type jeepney but always eludes from his monthly responsibilities.

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Monday, October 8, 2007


After coming out of a nightmarish dream where I saw my boyfriend bitten by a dog, I got up at around quarter past 10:00 am today. The sun was up and its rays were sending me tiny pricks through the glass window, perhaps reminding me that it was time to start the day. So I did.

First, I turned off the small electric fan at the foot of my mattress. Then, I checked the wound on my leg, rolled a little tissue paper to wipe it with just in case the pus was still there.

This wound kept me paranoid last night. I had lots of delusions when I informed my boyfriend through chat that it could be leg ulcer. I even asked him to see the grotesque pictures of leg ulcer on the net. I kept bugging him though I know he was having a good time chatting at the comfort of our room back at home. Remember, we just bought a pc and he seems to be having a lot of a good time with our hackneyed dial-up connection.

"You know, I just surfed the net and it turns out that the wound on my leg is leg ulcer." I said. "Go check this out," I added as I typed in the link in the chat window.

"That can't be leg ulcer, maybe, just some evil spirits made fun of you at the baptism because you resisted going home when I asked you to," he argued.

We kept punching in our opposing thoughts and views through messenger about the petty wound on my leg until he suggested that I should see a quack doctor. I surely gave it a thought though dismissed the fact that an evil has been invoked upon me.

We both logged off after that, said our repetitive goodbyes and prodded myself to sleep after spending some time in front of the computer monitor.

Before I plunged into unconsciousness, I had had to recharge my cellphone and that reminded me of Fred's text message earlier that same day.

Deep friendship
doesn't depend
on how many times
friends spend time together
or how happy they are...

it's the time
when you never see them
and yet keep on believing
that the friendship
will stay forever...

I haven't seen Fred in a while.
I have never played duckpin bowling in the past weeks. He has been texting me and he never got a reply. I thought I would lose him. I tried to believe he felt so bad I have taken him for granted.

It was not my intention to involve my friendship with my personal problems but I just can't help. There are times, I seem to care less when I am at the valleys of my life. Sorry is not enough for the friendship I have found in him, but he should know that his thoughts, memories, and presence are resident in my heart.

Sorry is not enough Fred...Sorry is not enough...

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Could this be leg ulcer?

Another wound, and it's not just a wound but a disgusting one has been keeping me worried for the past two weeks. I don't even know how it started but I'm freaking scared that it could develop into something more serious.

Two weeks ago, I had to attend a baptism in the neighborhood. The reception was so lavish and extravagant that I overindulged in lobster, fried chicken, roast pig, crispy pata, fried pork and beef guts, etc. I was so worried of the cholesterol intake considering I haven't fully recovered from my hepatitis but I just couldn't control myself. After stuffing myself with those delicacies, I went to the extent of pickling myself with more than ten bottles of extra strong beer.

I went home drunk and tipsy. Some good-hearted neighbors took the time to really send me home. I knew what happened right before I entered the door to the house but I was such a discombobulated inebriate that I didn't know how I got to my room.

The next day, my boyfriend had to remind me of my demented behaviour the night before.

"If you had gone home with me earlier and not insisted on staying there longer, you would have not been that drunk." He introduced. He started acting like my dad again.

"Come on, it's late, get out of bed and we have to go to work." He added.

I just got a hangover and he had a hard time pulling me out of bed. I stayed speechless as I was trying to avoid a heated argument with him early in the morning.

Then I went, "Oh by the way, how did I get here? Who changed my clothes?" I asked.

After a while, I just realized how I had interrupted my boyfriend's sleep last night. He told me he had had a hard time undressing me since my body was so uncooperative.

When I got up, I felt some twinge in my left leg. I bent over and saw a small wound on my leg, just below my knee. It looked like a wound which came out of a cigarette burn. It was circular and it was the diameter of a cigarette.

"How did I get this?" I queried. "I have no idea, I don't know what you did right after I left," he replied with a slight poke of his finger on my forehead. (He often does that when he tends to remind me of my wrongdoings and I take no offense to it.)

It has been more than two weeks and the wound still looks fresh. Last Friday, my boyfriend bought a small bottle of betadine so I could start cleansing the wound. Yesterday, we bought two tablets of penicillin, we pulverized one of them and applied on the wound. No matter how sickening the look was, my boyfriend bravely applied them himself. Could this be leg ulcer?

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Wednesday, October 3, 2007

The Spark Just Died

Sports, smoking, drinking, gambling, then blogging and "PLOK"! It just died. Does this have something to do with my being obsessive-compulsive type of person? Who knows? I never actually consulted a psychiatrist to really understand more about my personality. I know this kind of a disease in my system exists but never thought it would fall under the category. I just made the conclusion myself that indeed I am an obsessive-compulsive kind of person because of the shifting and cycling interests I have.

It's been a while and I'm sorry for being out of the circulation, I mean for having not posted. I would have given up then but got some encouragement from friends. I was in a hiatus. Now, I am back with fear of being enmeshed into that ningas-cogon mentality again.

Perhaps my eagerness to improve my writing craft If you allow me to call it keeps me pushing to write. Blogging is a good outlet for the downpour of emotions verbally and physically unexpressed. As of writing, I want to explode and ruin the plethora of guilt, pain, frustrations, and failures I always keep to myself.

I want to get over the vigorous impetuousity of the words I have relinquised to hurt my boyfriend. We were chatting last night and he just went offline. It was a sleepless night for me and I guessed the same thing with him.

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