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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I had sex in the kennel

When I was younger, I knew nothing about homosexuality. I heard no one say I was gay neither were there suspicions. I was just a very innocent child then trying to live life as it was.

There was one incident I can quitely recall. My family and I were then staying at one of the rooms in my uncle's house. My dad was working as a carpenter and he couldn't afford to have his family settle in a separate house. In that room lies a window fronting the yard where people in the neighborhood pass by. It had been my favorite place to stay at in the morning the moment I wake up. I see different people walking by and at times my mom brooming the yard. Out of nowhere to my recall, I was putting on lipstick while staring at my mom doing her chore. When she got in the house and saw me, she quickly grabbed the lipstick and told me not to do it. That was all she said and the incident just passed away.

When my dad decided to send me under my aunts custody in a nearby village, it was one of the happiest moments in my life. I got the chance to experience a better life because she could afford everything I needed from toys to sumptuous meals to expensive clothing which my dad couldn't give me and my brothers. In my aunts house, I always spent the time with my cousins playing, watching TV, teasing and giggling. Sometimes, we would all eat out as one big family and often eat 'halo-halo'-grated ice with some fruits, milk, and sugar. I particularly had a special liking and closeness with one of my female cousins. She was my aunts youngest daughter then and she was at least five-year older than I was. I was like her shadow, I was there wherever she went. From going to convenient store, to visiting her friends and classmates and when playing make-believe houses with make-believe husbands and wives and children with her playmates. I felt like she was the best person I met at that time because she was so special to me as a cousin. She would teach me madonna's and cyndi lauper's songs while bathing me and while I join her clean the house. I learned a lot from her. Later in my life, she would always tell me to ignore people telling I was gay and to kiss girls when they start teasing me about my gender.

One time in my cousins house, my male cousins made fun of me. If I remember it well, I was around five or six years old then. They started dressing me like a girl and they started putting me on some make-up. That was not a big deal for me since I didn't know then what was going on. When my dad, found out, he definitely got mad and took me away from my aunt's house. That was the time I started becoming conscious and aware of homosexuality though I didn't mind at all because I was still young.

Back at home, I met a neighbor at my age. (At that time, my family and I already had a house to call our own.) He and his family were new in the neighborhood. I don't know why, but I found him adorable and attractive. He had an angelic face, with thin straight hair, and fair complexion. We became playmates and I would always look for him after taking a nap in the afternoon. One time, I was alone at home because my mom and my brothers went to my uncle's house to watch TV. I called my friend at his home nearby and we played in our yard. We had a kennel in the yard since my dad always wanted to pet dogs to be butchered eventually. I don't know what got into me but I saw myself and my new found friend inside the kennel. I remember I asked him to take off his shorts which he did and I started playing with his small, cute penis. I don't remember what happened next but I vividly remember that as were lying there in the kennel naked, I heard the kennel's door open and the sight of my mom surprised me. We were both naked and my mom was really dumnbfounded. She hurriedly prompted me to put on my shorts and asked my friend to do the same and go home. I think no one in the neighborhood witnessed that incident. Just the three of us. My mom really got angry at me and I remember putting on my shorts and running away from home. I spent the remaining hours in the afternoon walking along the streets and trying to think of my actions. After that incident, things began getting clearer. I had questions figured out but I still had doubts about the real me. There was a part of me trying to erase and forget the fact that I did a homosexual act... I came back home as I knew my parents and brothers had been worried about me.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Pawning Pawned Phones

If my memory serves me right, I have pawned my N70 cell phone four times in the past three weeks. I just can't help it. I always run dry of money. Whenever I lose, I just won't keep quiet and go home and probably try my luck next time. I always try to find a way to take my money back. I always tell myself, "I won't go home empty handed." But it's the other way around. Sometimes the table dealers and supervisors always remind the players to go home happy with some winnings or at least go home with some bills for their fare. The thing is always go home with exactly just my fare. That is about twenty pesos. When I pawned my phone last week, it was a disaster. I lost all the money and I had to keep it secret for a while from my boyfriend. When he found out, we made an agreement. He was gonna take it back but would not let me use it anymore. I had no money to take it back. I got so worried that I won't be able to take it back. Fortunately, my boyfriend was my hero. He paid for it and to avoid worsening my situation, he had the idea that we swap phones me using an old model that all pawnshops would surely turn down. He then gave me his old Nokia Phone. In the Philippines Nokia Phones are widely used by the majority of people. I really don't know why.

Now, I rarely text my friends and so do they. Most of the time, my phone is on and off. Perhaps they think that my phone is off or they think I pawned it. I was once told by an old woman gambler at the Casino that she pawned all her properties and business establishments in the past and unable to take them back. She advised me to avoid pawning anything to somehow control my gambling addiction. I am not yet determined to do so. I have been losing most of the time and I still haven't learned my lessons. I don't know what's next for me. Help me God!

There are times in our lives wherein we have to sacrifice the most precious things in our possession. I know this is hard to do, but we have to do it for the benefit of the most. Gamblers though start becoming selfish when hooked and keep losing....

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Homesickness and Boredom

"I'm bored." Jennifer replied as I asked her about how she felt tonight through MSN Messenger. She complained that she had been studying all day and she was just sick and tired of it. That reminded me of myself. I just can't stand boredom and I have to do something to make the time pass. No, you won't ask me to take a nap or just stay infront of my computer when there is nothing else to do. It's either I go out and meet my friends, go to the Casino, go the karaoke bar and feast on some bottles of beer. Well yeah, these could be some alternatives. But what if I don't have the money to enjoy myself? Definitely, I just have to stay at the office or at home and perhaps pity myself. Everytime I see myself in that situation, I can't wait for the next payday to arrive. Sometimes, I get the feeling that I am working for nothing. Sometimes, I have the money and most of the time, I don't. I just can't satisfy myself. Gambling has always been my favorite past time. There were times I had neglected and taken for granted my friends at the bowling place. Some of them already feel bad since I have not been showing up. I am losing my friends little by little. I also have the feeling that some of my family members particularly my sister is starting to begrudge me. I can't keep my words and promises. This is a serious disease I need some remedy with at the moment. I think the remedy is always there but I always turn my back on it.

Four months ago, I went back home and upon leaving for Manila, I told my parents that I would be back in April. We are in the last week of June but I am worried that I may not go home again at the end of this month, or perhaps next month. The main reason being is that I have no money to give my parents. What would my dad tell me again? He may start throwing me accusations that are hard to swallow. I miss my home but I am not yet ready to go home. I want to enjoy my leave application which I filed for next week but I have no money to do so. For now, I can cross my fingers that I win next weekend to turn the occurrence of worse to worst things in my life.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Smoking Kills, Yeah I know WTF!

I came across one of Mark Twain's quotes or it could be somebody else's, "Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world, I know because I have done it a thousand times." I began smoking at the age of 15. I was a junior high school student then. You won't believe me. Prior to getting hooked to smoking, I once blatantly expressed to everyone, to all my classmates in our classes how I hated smoking. I would always say that smoking is like burning your hard earned money in ashes. That incident turned the table on me. A few months later, I began smoking. I started with just one stick a day, eventually two sticks a day, and eventually still, it became a bad habit of mine. At first, I just got so curious about it especially when I saw one of my close friends puffing out the smoke in circles. That was an amazement on my part and because I was caught vividly in awe, my friend offered me to give it a shot. I did, and that was the start of my flicking habit. Now, it is a vice which is really hard to break. Three years ago, smoking was always one of the topics I would happily discuss with my students. They would be delighted upon hearing that I would only smoke five cigars a day and wouldn't go beyond ten sticks. Then they would start comparing me to most Koreans who are addicted to smoking and who are classified as chain-smokers. All of them asked me to quit and my sure reply was to attempt to somehow taper off or go cold turkey. I got sick and tired of repeating the same lines to different students. The rest is, today I have totally gotten worse. Now, I could finish a pack of cigarettes in a day while I know the fact that my health is at the height of risk. I am getting older and not an achieved man. The shattering of my dreams is slowly falling into its place. I know I have to quit smoking as much as I also have to quit gambling. But unlike most Koreans who have one word and heed when they decide to quit at once, I am a Filipino who has a different set of principles. I know I have to quit because if I don't then I will die and I may not help my family anymore who depend so much on me. I am just so stupid- I can't can't just quit them.

The Cycle

Work, sleep, gamble, sleep, work, gamble, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, work, sleep, work, payday, gamble, gamble, gamble, sleep, work, sleep....

Some Old Filipino Traditions Are Fading Away

The light rail transit coming from Quezon City to Makati Philippines, has been my best friend when commuting to work. Most of the time though, I take the bus for cheaper fares and when I need the time to slow down. Today, I got up late and I had to rush to work right after taking a meal at around 11:00 a.m.

It was almost past 12:30 p.m when I got on the train. Today I was unable to grab a copy of the free-daily journal because I had to rush to the platform. The train station is always crowded even at noon. Everytime I am on the train I can't avoid but look at the people around me. It gives me pleasure if there are sights of good lucking guys who look fresh and who exude a certain musculinity and stuff. My weakness-looking at good looking men and when they look back at me straight in the eyes. I usually blush or sweat profusely. I also find joy in looking at billboards and signages on the road while the train is in motion. I have my favorites, and it is a habit craving for them when the train is about to leave. On the train, I have noticed that there aren't a lot of gentlemen these days. In the past, men would lovely offer their seats to women, elder people and to the disabled. This we were taught many times in the elementary schools. Modernization indeed has its drawbacks. We don't see a lot of people doing that good-old practice. Well, I am also speaking for myself. Once I get my seat, the world is against me. I find it hypocritic to be offering a seat to women when deep inside me, I really want to sit. For older women though you can soften my ignorance. The train platforms have designated waiting and loading area for males and females and sometimes I can't understand why some women still have to squeeze themselves in the men's area. That thing I am not priviliged to have because men are not allowed to go the female area but females are allowed to go the men's area. Perhaps that is a strong indication that there are more females in the Philippines. One thing that pisses me off is when I see a woman looking at me while I am seated. It seems as if her eyes are telling me to stand up instead and she sits down because I am a man. Why would I care? First come first. I need comfort as they do. Well, it is the trend.

Well it is a trend. Things are constantly changing. These days not many children or younger people do the "pagmamano"(the extending of one's hand on an elder's forehead to show respect) anymore. Once, we always felt so proud of the Filipinos' culture and practices but not these days I guess.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Can You Blame me for Keeping it?

Now, that almost everybody knows about the real me. I can't help but muse about this decision of mine. To some of the people, it might have been a shocking-revelation. To others, well, it maybe a confirmation of the doubts they had with me. There were a lot of heard insinuations in the past. Crab-wise suggestions and mockeries that I should have been myself. Being not the only person involved, I of course had my qualms and I had to protect some people who might just be hurt or tremendously affected. Earlier in my posts, I have mentioned that none of my relatives ever supported me for who I am. When I spent my elementary years living with my aunt, my cousins knew I was feminine and that I could be gay upon growing up, unfortunately, they always told me that I should act like a man and be a man. They would always say that God did not create homo's. He only created Adam and Eve. If God did not create homo's then why am I here? Is that a tapinosis depriving me of my right to be called a child of God.? (Don't you guys rip me off my worth as a human being.)

All the while, I had learned to please everybody and to protect my family especially my dad who might end up the subject of ridicule for having a gay son like me. I knew I was gay then and wanted to reach out but nobody at that time bought that idea. Now, that I am free. I have come to realize that I lost a lot of my worth in the past. I shouldn't blame myself nor blame others. This is something I have to accept and I firmly believe this is god-given.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I quit a good job because of gambling

"This is too much," I told my self. That early morning at around 4:00 a.m I had to go home on foot trudging a more than five-kilometer distance from the "peryahan"(Filipino word for an open gambling place which is particularly common in the country). I wantonly gambled my salary and I felt bad because I was unable to give money to my family. "I was advised by the doctor to get an eye-check up. My right eye really hurts." My mom's voice was pleading I should give her more for that payday. "I need to buy a pair of glasses", she added. I just said I did not receive my pay yet. Deep inside me, it was an outburst of emotions. All I could blame was myself. But how could I do that if I couldn't control myself frequenting the gambling place? So that night, I saw myself again betting in the dice game at the peryahan. ...more...

I gambled and lost my fare so I took a hitch ride on a vegetable truck

It's true, before even getting on the bus on my way to Manila. I dropped by a gambling place which we Filipinos call as "Peryahan" hoping that I could double my money. I ended up losing even my fare to Manila. My fellow workers bought me a ticket just to insure I would go to Manila but I missed the trip because at the time of the bus departure, I was frolicking at the "peryahan". I tried to get a refund, but the refund for the ticket had expired. I had no choice but to go to a nearby trading post. With big rats and stinky roaches and agressive mosquitoes, I had to sleep on a nearby sidewalk until the post opened. I also had no money left, I remember I had some spare coins amounting to less than ten pesos. I bought 6 pieces of small mongo bread. I ate two pieces of it as I let the night pass waiting for the post to open. I was unable to sleep that night. I had to move from one position to another, from one place to another dodging the painful bites of the mosquitoes. It was already five o'clock in the morning when the post finally opened. Tens of vegetable trucks were in queue outside...more..

I once begged for salt and water

When I decided to leave my job in Baguio. It was a bitter decision I had to be firm with. I knew it was not that easy though my strong personality kept telling me to push through. No backing off. Determined to find myself in Manila, I packed one jacket and some school certificates and papers in a small traveling bag. Before getting on the bus, I was expectant that somehow, I could land into a job right away in Manila. There was one problem though. How could I do so if all I had was my clothes on and some school certificates citing I won some essay contests and other platform contests in the past? In the first place, I had no diploma proving I finished college. That was in the first week of May 2004. Right then, I was doing well as one of the most talked about teachers. Many students would request me to be their teacher and it was overwhelming. In time with this overwhelming feedback I was getting from my students, a dark reality was lurking around prompting me to leave my job and before it's too late, I had to find myself in Manila. I had just worked for three days but upon explaining my boss the reason of leaving, she gave me more than I was supposed to receive for my pay. I remember, I had enough for my transportation and probably a few thousand pesos for food and lodging....sorry, I will finish this post later...)

A Chit-Chat with the Spinster in the Cafeteria

Recently, I have been worried about my health. I am getting used to eating brunch and often skipping meals. And since last night, I have been penniless. I have nothing to turn to to fill my empty stomach but the owner of the cafeteria on the fourth floor of the building where I work whom I fondly call "Ate". I think it is Filipino-style. Where else in the world can you find a cafeteria which allows you to eat now and pay later? While waiting for the next payday then, I had to feast on the cafeteria meals served on the fourth floor. I always run out of money before the next payday arrives and "Ate" has been my saviour. Whenever I am hungry, I just tell her what I want and she writes them down in small pieces of paper which she compiles and computes by the time payday comes. It is a big relief. I'm glad I can make ends meet with the help of "Ate." After having lunch then "Ate" who also happens to be a spinster shared with me her boyfriend's text messages. "Ate" is already in her fifty's I guess and she's a late bloomer or perhaps this is her only chance to experience how to be inlove. It so happened that she has a 25-year old suitor and she always proudly tells me how things are getting stronger and better between her and her boyfriend. In fairness, "Ate" also deserves her own happiness like most of us do. At first I felt disgusted everytime "Ate" would tell me of her love texts and her attemps in the past to have a relationship. I didn't find it appropriate at her age. Lately though, I realized that "Ate" needed someone to understand her and accept her for who she is. I became one of her constant listeners and confidante. This afternoon, was a little different though. "You know, I am happy now with the relationship I am into. I just can't totally understand what is in me that made him (her young boyfriend) like me. I mean I am old and anytime, he can find someone younger, beautiful, and much better than I am," said "Ate". "Well, Ate, why don't you just give yourself time to observe and look into your situation. Everyone has the right to love and be loved. This might be your chance. If this relationship is meant for you then just give it a chance. You just have to be very careful and don't be in a hurry. Two or three months is not enough to know your boyfriend," I replied. Talking is really cheap and I find it a way for me to handle stress. I am glad I have met Ate, I am glad I have someone to talk to about my life and sentiments as well.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Koreans should understand that a student's progress is not based on test scores alone...hhhmmph!!!

It was a sleepless night. The small argument I had with my boss during my last class last night triggered my insomnia. I was in the middle of the class when he started sending me instant messages on my messenger. That was kinda annoying because I wasn't able to concentrate well in the class. I had to apologize to my student several times because of dead-airs. "Please send me your student's evaluation report," he asked. I promptly said, "Yes, sir. Don't worry but can I send that after my class?" "I need it now, please send it quickly," he demanded. I had no choice but to send it while asking my student online to wait. A few minutes later, he started sending me messages on my messenger again. I think my boss lacks breeding because he knew I was having a class but when I didn't post an immediate reply he kept sending me nudges which of course could be heard by my student on the other end. Upon seeing the report, he enthused, "I don't see any distinction in the student's scores. I don't see any progress. How will I explain that to his mother?" "Sir, a student's progress should not be based on his test scores alone. This should not be an issue in the first place." I was already steaming as my patience reached it's maximum end so I had to finish my class earlier. I know it was unprofessional of me but I burst out and just told my student that I had to end the class earlier because I was arguing with my boss. We promised to make-up for the missed minutes in the class. I just can't understand why Koreans particularly the older generations try to measure the quality of education that their children get through their test scores. It's true that I give them monthly tests. The tests of course vary every month so their scores should also vary. I also told my boss that the students' mood changes all the time and we should not expect them to get better and better scores every month. Indeed scores are easy to manipulate. If they want it that way, then perhaps, I can make my tests easier every month just to satisfy the students' parents that there is a progress going on. But what is the point? Is that learning? I don't think so. Had I not communicated with my boss through chat at that time, I would have raised my voice on the phone. I wanted to tell him how narrow-minded Koreans are. I remember when I was teaching in Baguio, many Korean parents felt happy if their children finished more books. Koreans seem to believe that the more books the students study and finish, the better students they become. They measure the quality of education through the number of textbooks one studies. What if a student indeed finished ten books in two-months and he does not understand and remember anything about the books, is that learning? I don't think so. I just hope my boss got my point.

After the misunderstanding, I finally reunited with my boyfriend

Three days ago, I and my boyfriend came home empty handed. You see my boyfriend is so kind and understanding that he had to suck up to whatever I liked to do. Though unwilling he had to concede to my compulsion of going to the Casino again. A week before that we had a quarrel because I wanted to stay longer and he wanted to go home. We were able to fix the problem though. Then just three days ago, though coming home losers, we were fine though apparently he was mad at me but he was trying to hide it. When we arrived home, he prepared ourselves some dinner. He went to our bedroom first and I decided to spend some minutes watchin TV at the living room. At around 1 a.m I proceeded to our room. To my dismay, he locked the room and I didn't bother to knock to avoid disturbing the people sleeping in the house. I slept at the living room though there were a lot of mosquitoes and there was not proper ventilation. The next morning, it was a word war. I told him that I'd rather sleep at the office and not go home anymore. He was asking for an apology but I was such a stolid person at that time. After that we never texted each other nor spoke to each other. I missed him for several days. This morning though, he came to the office and asked for forgiveness. He excused that he was tired that night that it was his impulse to lock the door. A few minutes later, we talked about our plans for the night. Sometimes, our ego tells us to forgive but time tells us on the other hand to let go of the anger before patching up some differences.

Not Everybody Knows I am a Queer Guy

Until now, I really can't tell whether I am gay or bisexual. I made some attempts to enter a man-woman relationship when I was younger but nothing realized. Now, that I have a boyfriend, I still have inhibitions. Though some people know the real me, I still have second thoughts about telling everybody about my sexual preference. People should know that I teach Koreans and unlike Filipinos or any other race in the world, Koreans are very conservative. They are not so open about homosexuality. I think most of them still consider it as a taboo. As a result, I haven't opened myself yet to any of my Korean students. Not even my boss. I think I don't have the courage yet in as much as I want to protect myself and my career of course. I am saying this because I am not scared of losing my job but because I want my students to still somehow look up to me. I hope that someday, I can find the courage to openly shout at the top of my lungs that I am gay or bisexual maybe.

I Am An Operations Manager And I Have no Savings for God's Sake

I never wanted to be a braggadocio. My family raised me to learn how to be humble all the time. Actually, I really have nothing to brag about. Some of you may have noticed how I underscored my being an operations manager of the company which I work for. The point is that I feel like I want to let other people know that I am not a worthless fellow. That despite being an undergraduate student, I can prove myself in a certain degree(even If I don't have a degree, hehehe). Way back then, people always looked down on me. I feel discriminated when people ask me what course I finished. I felt like undergraduates had no right to get good jobs. People would give you a wry look upon learning that you didn't finish your studies. In 1999, I started working as an ESL Teacher to Korean students in Baguio City. I remember, I was the only undergraduate teacher at that time. I made it in the roster of teachers because I passed the test and the Interview administered by the school officials. It was a small International School. Since Koreans give so much value to education and that they tend to belittle or not trust undergraduates, I had to hide then my being undergraduate. Ironically, I was one of the best teachers in that school. Many students loved me and my way of teaching. I was supposed to be given a higher position but my Fellow-Filipino teacher who assumed a better position at that time was against it and she blatantly told the administration that I didn't deserve to be promoted. She worked her ass out and I was ripped off that career opportunity. I was so upset then but somehow that motivated me to do better and prove myself to others. At one time that Fellow-Filipino teacher held a meeting. We were talking about how to properly deal with our students. She mentioned that I was unprofessional because I treat my students as my brothers, my playmates, and that there was no distance at all between a teacher and a student. She insinuatingly mentioned that teachers go to reputable schools and that they don't just learn from the streets. I was hurt of course, knowing that I didn't graduate and that most of my knowledge was based on my experiences outside the school. To cut the story short, I was denied the promotion. After a few months, I filed my resignation and it was a really hard decision I had to face because it pained a lot of students to see me leaving. I applied as an ESL teacher in a better school around the city. It was a brave attempt since none of my fellow teachers at the first school I worked for passed the exams and the interviews. Luckily, I passed and I felt vindicated. The thought is, I want to let people know that a person's worth and abilities shouldn't be based on his diploma alone but his ability to deal with different kinds of people. Look at me, I can guarantee myself of a good job as compared to the jobless graduates we have in the country.

Now, as an operations manager there is yet another battle I have to face. That is my addiction to gambling. I have been working for more than seven years as a teacher and until now, I don't have my own bank account. I have no savings. That is all because of gambling and perhaps overspending. Often, I would ask myself, is this what an operations manager should do? I can't find the answer yet. For now, what's left for me to do is to pity myself everytime I lose all my money at the Casino-thus unable to support my family for sometime nor text them because my phone intermittenly gets pawned. When will I ever learn. I am getting older and I haven't learned yet from my mistakes. I will just let the day pass.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

To be successful-you have to be both feminine and masculine

My Student Taught Me Last Night

I had a class with one of my Korean students last night. The discussion we had was really interesting. We were talking about gender roles and stuff. We were trying to share our views and answers to the questions involving male dominance in the society. Amazingly she taught me that there is a symbiotic relationship between language and intellectual development. As we all know, we have a lot of sexist words not only in the English Language but as well as our respective lingua francas. I think I also had to agree with her when she said that the most successful people in the world according to a Russian Professor are the people who both have masculinity and femininity in their persona. She mentioned about the documentary "Alpha Girl" which I am not really familiar with. I haven't seen it yet. Although based on her description the documentary is a little bit related to the animation "Pocahontas" I guess. In the society, parents are taught to raise their children in a way that they either identify themselves as males or females. People still discriminate homosexuals and lesbians-that is a sad fact. Parents then like their daughters to just play with dolls, play with girl playmates and they want their sons to just play with toy robots, boy playmates, etc. According to the professor, we have to raise our children in a natural way. We shouldn't control them if we want them to succeed in life.

If I Die Tonight

If I die tonight, I want the world to know...

that I am gay and I am very proud of it

that I love my family more than anybody else

that I gambled most often because I wanted to give more money to my family

that I promised to send my younger brother to school but I failed because of gambling

that I am so remorseful whenever I can't afford to send money to my family

that I am an undergraduate student but I proved to be better than those with diplomas

that I would have been a better person if my parents had money to send me to school in the past

that I once had a heated argument with a trainer who said that I she is professional and I am not

that I fought with my boyfriend because he restricted me from gambling many times but I insisted

that I have tried to commit suicide because I couldn't accept myself being a gay in the past

that I am willing to lose career and friends over gambling

that I believe compulsion to gambling is a disease

that my ultimate crush is Chris Evans and Matthew Mccoughnahey(forgive the spelling)

that despite having crushes, I love my boyfriend very much for being the person who gave me inspiration, unconditional love, patience, understanding, and who accepted me for who I am

Monday, June 18, 2007

Life is like a roulette...

Yes, as expected I had to go to Casino again last night. And as usual, I came home a loser. Knowing the fact the gamblers lose more often than win won't just change my ways. I am still hooked to this vice and I feel like there is no more point of turning back-only perhaps when I have no money. But last night was different-I had no more money so I had to pawn my cellphone again for the nth time. Recently, I found out there are people inside the Casino who work for several pawnshop companies. They are there lingering around and waiting for people to start turning over their valuables like jewelry and cellphones or watches, etc. Gamblers I think become numb to their losing streaks. The more they lose, the more they feel like they want to take their money back. Gamblers always find a way to support their vice. When their bank accounts have dried up, they turn to their valuables and start pawning them. And mind you, the percentage of the interest at the Casino pawn personnels are way way higher as compared to the regular pawnshops we see.

My favorite game at the Casino is Roulette. There is something in this game that keeps me urging to go and gamble and bet. I have never tried winning that much yet. I think I am scared to bet huge amount of money, so when I win, I just win a little. And when my compulsion starts surging in, I just can't control myself and I often lose. The more I place chips on the table and sometimes I don't hit the right number. I have my favorite numbers of course. At first I started with my family's birthdays....

Confession of a Gay and Losing Again At the Casino

An old friend sent me a text message yesterday telling me of how happy and successful the class reunion was. I still feel sorry for not being able to attend the party. I just reasoned that I was not yet ready to face high school mates knowing that not all of them know of my true personality. There were pretensions in the past. I am not sure if they knew I was gay, though I could feel some doubts in their eyes and ways of dealing with me. Maybe they were just afraid to tell me the truth or confront me thinking that I may get offended. I think that is the reality. In our lives there are people that we come across with and instanly we have our own impressions. Whenever we think someone's gender is in question, we as much as possible avoid confrontation or humiliating that person. I would like to deny the fact that I never knew I was gay. I knew I was even before I was younger but I just kept it to myself all through out the years because of family pressure and because my relatives keep pushing me to be a real man. Had I not been dictated on, I would have been a very very successful gay person like most famous gays in the Philippines. We have a famous gay in the field of cosmetics, entertainment, business, etc. I would have been more liberated without inhibitions joining TV contests which offer huge cash prizes. I have always dreamed of giving a wonderful life to my family most specially my parents. I know I am a gifted person and I know I am intelligent. I can make a difference but it jus so happened that I am gay and no one supported me. Everybody hated the real me so I had to project a picture all through the years which pleased everybody, which everybody liked. Now, I blame them for whatever miseries I am going through. I have been working for more than seven years now but I still don't see myself as a successful person. There are still many things to work out on. Right now, my future is very much obfuscated. My future is in jeopardy, my life has no direct course-all because of my addiction to gambling.

So then, Jayson-one of my close friends in High School got the first-hand information about the real me. I asked him if he understands my situation and he gave gave a comforting reply. He said that we will be friends forever despite the confession. To ease my burden, I also asked him to start telling all my classmates in high school and perhaps all the people we know.

For the nth time-I went to Casino and lost and ended up watching a concert

Thursday, June 14, 2007

The Guards are Sleeping

I used to work as a pool boy at my friend's resort near Baguio. It's an hour drive from the City. As a pool boy, I was obliged to wake up early at dawn to start cleaning and vacuuming the pool. Cleaning the pool needed four to five hours of patience. It was a tough job other than the all-around responsibility I had for the maintenance of the resort. That was the time I had dropped out of school and felt my life had no direction. My high school teacher talked to my mom's bestfriend and recommended me to work there to have some earnings for a possibe re-entry in College. Ironically, my eagerness to work and save for the future allowed me to earn 70 pesos per day. A day spent regularly under the scorching heat of the sun. That was in 1999 and to my recall, I only lasted there for two months. I stopped schooling in my third year as a Mass Communications Student. This is one problem that the Philippine government should have looked into even before. Until now, many students rally and clamor on the streets because of the expensive education in my country. Until now many students can't afford to go to school and tuition fee increases continue to roar. Just like me, none of my brothers finished a degree because of financial straits.

In the resort, I got to meet a married man who worked there as a guard. He would report in the evening at around 6 pm and would go home at 6 a.m. I envied that security guard, he was earning more than double my pay though I would see him sleeping most of the time instead of roving around to maintain the safety of the resort. He shared a lot of stories with me and I with him. We became close for a while as he considered me his son. He was a kind man I guess. One night though in the middle of the lashing storm, I saw my friend's sister with her flashlight and her pistol. Why did she have a pistol? Her dad is a military officer. Her parents had gone out of town so it was just her, the guard and me in the big resort. I was enjoying my sleeping quarter near the pool adjacent to the reception area and the cafeteria. She approached me and told me that she had gone roving. She whispered to my ears' I will tell my mom and dad to terminate the guard asap.' She told me that she caught the guard sleeping in his post. I didn't say anything. I just went back to sleep. The next day, the guard was relieved of his post. I couldn't blame the guard. It was hard to go roving at that time because of the storm. Being a guard is a dangerous job. In the past I used to think that being a guard is rather facile because all they have to do is stand up or sit down most of the day. Later on, I realized that their life is always at stake. I have seen guards who died in robbery incidents, and some heists, etc....

I was abused as a child

In my small neighborhood is where most of my relatives live. Most of my uncles and my dad's younger brother lived nearby our house. They had one of the oldest houses in the village. The house though was demolished about ten years ago. Though the house disappeared, the memories I had there are always intact and I could vividly narrate them here.

The house was made up of wood, some walls were made of concrete. The house was built with the help of some pine trees which were once abundant in my village. It was a two storey house with more than five rooms. My favorite room was my uncle's living room who owned one of the oldest tv sets then. Out of the few numbers of houses there, my uncle was privileged to own a tv set wherein most nights, relatives and neighbors would throng in to see what's on the boob tube.

I hated basketball games which most people watched. As a child, I would always pose in tantrums when I didn't see my favorite tv programs.

Our village then wasn't that congested and populated yet. You could count them on your fingertips. I and my cousins could play baseball not minding whether the ball would hit some houses by accident. The village was our playground then.

On the ground floor of my uncle's house, was my other uncle's shop. He engaged in making saddles, buckles, and leather products. We had a park nearby where people can go horseback riding. There were pony boys who would often visit my uncle's shop. They were his regular clients. Our village was somehow Westernized. Americans used to live there during the World War II. People would wear cowboys' attires and would sing American inspired Country music.

Almost everyday in the afternoon, going to my uncle's house had been a habit. Some neighbors and I would meet there to watch our favorite variety shows just before siesta. When siesta time comes, everybody would start plodding down the wooden stairs as they leave for their respective homes. My uncle had to turn off the TV to somehow control the consumption of electricity.

Mostly in the afternoon, a neighbor of us and a close friend of my uncle's younger brother in his 20's would find himself taking a nap in the couch in the living room. To be continued.

My Beginnings and the soy sauce with rice

I was born on September 6, 1978. I am the second child in my family. I have four other brothers and one sister. I was raised in a small city in the Philippines called Baguio. When I was younger, my family used to live in a shanty in a land owned by the government but which my dad was given the right to own eventually. A squatter's area though in my place of birth is a little bit different from the ones we see here in Manila. I can say we are luckier in my hometown because there is more space to breathe and appreciate the beauty of nature around us.

We owned a very small shanty. How time flies? Until now, my family lives in that area. Life then was really hard for us. My dad was an energetic carpenter and his earnings of course kept my family survive. Other than that, he would spend all his money on drinking. As far as I remember, he would come home from work always drunk and my mom would always carry the burden of borrowing money from our relatives and neighbors so we can buy a kilo of rice. Most of the time we would have dinner without having any main dish. I and my brothers, (we were just four then)came up with our favorite food combinations. I liked soy sauce and some used cooking oil or lard with rice, my older brother prefered salt, water and rice. We were lucky if there were some sugar in the small jar which eventually got broken when my dad got wild once he came home drunk.

I am in a Slump

I woke up late today. It was around 11:00 a.m. I was hungry so I had to have brunch. I have been like this for the past few days. I don't feel like working at times though the office problems I have always keep bothering my peace of mind. I have to worry about a lot of things. I have to worry about our monthly bills, the dsl bill, electricity bill, maintenance bill, etc. Oftentimes I have to argue with my boss in Korea before he sends the money. I already had the intention to resign because I feel like I am no longer happy in this kind of Job. I am not used to managing a business. I feel that anytime I may have a breakdown. It is true that I have a lot of things to do. But who cares? Does my boss care? I am not sure. All I know is that I have to do something about this malase to avoid untoward problems in the future. On final note, I have made up my mind. In the next few days, I will start telling the world about myself, my being gay, a closet queen in the past, and my escapades in life. I am proud to be gay and there is no time left to hide this feeling. Watch out for more....

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I missed my class reunion because I went gambling instead

We just celebrated the Philippine Independence yesterday. Earlier than that, I got the chance to enjoy a three-day holiday from work. A three-day holiday which I just spent at the Casino Filipino. Yes, admittedly. I lost again for the nth time. In fact I had to pawn my cellphone once more which I just got from another pawnshop. I was unable to send money to my family back in Baguio. I think I can't help myself. I am just a very compulsive gambler. I even had to argue with my friend who always resisted me from gambling. I told him that he had no right to control me like a robot and that I can gamble anytime I want as long as I have the money to. The problem is that I always tend to just loiter around the Casino when I am totally lost with no more money to bet. There were times I even had to go home on foot because I lost even the meager fare I was supposed to spare. The other night I spoke to a woman in her 70's. She looks elegant at her age though. I always see her in the place though most of the time she has no money to bet, she just kibitzes at the bettors. We bumped into each other and I asked her how long she has been gambling. She told me, she started even before the Martial Law in the Philippines. She specifically said that she started in 1966. According to her, her life just revolved around the Casino and until now, she is single because she had no time for love. Rumor has it that she was very beautiful in her teens and she had many suitors. An acquaintance I met at the Casino, told me that her name is Racel and she once owned a jewelry shop and a boutique. All these were gone because of her gambling spree.

Meet Different People In all Walks of Life at The Casino

How did I get my feet land into this place? As far as I remember, I was once addicted to playing Bingo at different malls in Manila. There were more times I lost as compared to the times I won. I don't know but maybe I just don't have the luck in gambling. Ironically, I always see myself in gambling areas. I would always end up a loser. I learned of a good bingo place somewhere in Manila. The place is called "Divisoria" where Divisoria Mall is. I enjoyed playing Bingo there because it was really cool inside. It always reminded me of my hometown Baguio City. Other than the nostalgic ambiance, the price give-aways also amazed me. When I was in Baguio, a bingo card worth 20 pesos could win you 1, 500 pesos only. In Manila, the same amount of card could win you double if you are Lucky enough. My compulsion always leave my pockets empty. In Baguio, I have experienced walking miles on my way home because I would lose all my money either in the "perya", an illegal miniature cheap looking casino-style gambling place or in the newly opened SM Mall in Baguio. Most of my life in Baguio was spent in playing Bingo, oftentimes my friends complained of me being absent whenever we had appointments. I would shun birthday parties and drinking sprees because I prefered going to Bingo places. I took my friends for granted. They always gave me advice upon learning of my addicition.

Friday, June 8, 2007


Are you stressed? Just asking. As for me? I am very much stressed. After dealing with our intermittent problem with our internet connection at the office I also had to settle some balance with our CPA. Finally, my boss agreed to pay his dues. All the while, I didn't know that a retainer fee is the service fee that we pay CPA's for processing the necessary documents of a certain company. Right now, I am very much uneasy and uncomfortable upon telling our CPA that my boss was quitting the deal with her. Meaning, I will personally work on our quarterly permits, government dues, etc. That must be lots of headaches. Now, I will have to try to contact my boss again and discuss whether he would still hire the CPA or not after the CPA bargained her retainer's.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

I always keep looking for one of the pair of my shoes

Numerous times in the past, I dreamt I was losing one of the pair of my shoes or my slippers. I really didn't know what my dreams meant. In the picture, I could see my self running in a muddy ground and either my right or left shoe would get stuck in the ground prohibiting me to keep moving. One time I was in a swamp and I left one of the pair of my slippers. I could recall incidents when I dreamt of the same scenario. Last night though was different and I also have no idea about what that dream of mine means. I was with my old friends and we were going on hiking. In my dream, I couldn't climb the peak of the mountain and my friends behind me were teasing and encouraging me to do it...

I am an English Teacher and not a Psychologist but sometimes I tend to give my own interpretation to my dreams. Indeed, I have many goals in life which haven't been realized yet. There is probably something I want to do or achieve which apparently I can't because something must be holding it back. I think I also know what that is but do not have the courage to totally do something about it. Ah, sometimes I hate me...


It's been a while. I haven't called nor texted my younger sister. The last time I heard from her was the day before the opening of classes for public schools in June. "Manong, (a vernacular term for 'older brother') have you bought my hello-kitty bag and my winx club notebooks?" That was her text message which she sent to a close friend of mine. I had to pawn my cellular phone because I ran out of money due to gambling. Upon reading her message, my friend nudged me to reply right away. I hesitated. I felt guilty, very guilty. All I could do was sigh and blame myself for not keeping my promise. I felt remorseful for I haven't bought even a single winx club notebook. You see, prior to that, she sent me another message a week in advance asking me whether I would buy her her school supplies or not. I promptly said yes knowing that my payday was on it's way. When the day came, I felt like I was very useless and I wished I didn't exist. Had I not gone gambling, I would have bought her more than she needed for her schooling. Now all I have is dream again of the next payday. I want to make up for my wrong doing and tell her that I just had to spend on something sooo important. But my innerself tells me that I should go gambling again because this time I can win and not only buy my sister's necessities for school but send extra money for my parents and brothers in Baguio who depend too much on me. Both of my parents are jobless and their decrepit selves just obstructs them from doing work for my family's livelihood. It's been more than seven years and I'm still the same obsessive-compulsive person who has not learned from his mistakes. Until when am I gonna be like this? I love my family so much but I seem to love myself and my pleasures more. I don't know what the future may bring me. My life at this point is still without direction. Please help me.....

Everybody is Plastik, don't you think so?

"The humanity is a nexus of tupperware."-bitoy it is not a reality when someone says you are "plastik" and he is not i still believe that each person has its "orocan-ness" in him when someone says that i am "plastik" or someone else is, it makes me pose a wry look while my opinionated mind says, "Look who's talking?"the same goes when someone comments that someone is "mayabang", how can you tell yourself that someone is "mayabang" when you yourself is not "mayabang"? the thing that you know someone who is "mayabang" embodies your being one. This becomes evident when you criticize someone who is. Don't you think so? I think that "It takes one to no one," though this does not apply to everyone in all circumstances. Like when someone speculates another being gay. There are two possibilities or even three possibilities here I think, one is that the person who speculates is gay, the one being speculated on is gay or the speculator just a monger who loves and enjoys seeing someone's humiliations. Being "plastik" moreover, is not measured on how much of "Plasticity" one engages in or has committed. "Plasticity" comes in all its forms and its presence is not measured by its degree.

The conclusion, I have is that no one is not plastic. In my opinion, people who say that someone is plastic are the mirrors of "plasticity" fo not being able to accept their own infirmities. Hahaha!

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

HELLLLLP! I gambled my brother's tuition fee.

It Started With Table Tennis...

It's just recently that I realized I have an 'obsessive-compulsive' behavior. I tend to be so engrossed with anything that draws my interest.

When I was a high school student, I got the chance to learn how to play table tennis. In my first month of familiarization with the sport, rarely did I go home right of the batt from school. I would end up playing table tennis at a neighbor's place not minding whether I have had dinner or not. Still with my school uniform on, I would play table tennis with some friends, college student-boarders until past midnight. I would go home hungry but satisfied spending the night on table tennis. Never mind the homework and the school projects.

Oftentimes, I would sneak in to the house through my bedroom window since my dad's rule is to close the front door at around ten in the evening. I didn't have the guts to knock knowing that my dad would just nag me about getting home late, so as much as possible I had to make a stealthy entrance to the house. Funny thing, I even had to leave my shoes outside the window so as not to make noise once inside my room which is just adjacent to my parents' room. Once inside the house, I had to do my evening ritual of walking in the clouds, there should be no sounds, no footsteps, as I would grab some food in the kitchen to my room.

Spending Money on Volleyball

More than a decade ago, I was enjoying myself as one of the youth leaders in my small village in Baguio City. During my summer vacation, I would see myself in one of the adjacent parks around the village selling ornamental plants, cacti, and succulents to tourists frequenting our city. After doing business-talks with niggard customers and customers from Manila arguing whether pine tree seedlings could thrive in there, I would leave my plant-stand and head for my friend's house.

His name is Michael and his parents at that time were working abroad. He's got a younger brother named Marlon. They became two of my closest friends in my teenage years or in my younger years. Eventually their house became our rendezvous. Without knowing, around forty other youngsters had been regularly meeting with us there and playing volleyball in a nearby playground. We became close friends and we became a solid group. Though we tried to establish a dynamic youth group that could lead other youths in the village, we were notoriously known since most of our members were smokers, alcoholics, out-of-school youth, etc. Still many people believed in our group and we knew we didn't go beyond our limits. I became so attached with this group that eventually Michael's house became my sanctuary when I decided to stowaway from home.

In the afternoons after quitting my selling in a nearby park, I and my friends would meet and play volleyball. Most of the time we would bet on a bottle or two of family-sized cola. I would always end up paying for my group in case we'd get lost. It soon became an addiction, that I would go to the extent of inviting other teams to bet with us on a monetary basis. I would spend all the money I earned from selling cacti. My mom did not know of it. She would wonder though why my remittance was not that much and I had my alibis.

Monday, June 4, 2007

I am Igorot and am Proud of it

I come from a not-very-remote village in Baguio City, Philippines. It is about five kilometers away from the town proper. We hail jeepneys to go to town. If we can afford it, we flag down taxi cabs instead. The taxi drivers in my hometown are very dedicated and unlike most taxi-drivers here in Manila where I am currently working, they are not opportunists nor do they take advantage of their passengers. In Manila, cab drivers don't give your change back. They give alibis such as they have no more spare coins. If you are billed 90 pesos and you hand over a hundred, there's no point of standing by the taxi's door expecting the driver to give you your change. That reminds me of my Korean boss who is now back in Korea. When he was here in the Philippines and when tired, he would rarely drive his own car to and fro his condominium unit somewhere in Ortigas. He would end up borrowing fifty pesos from me on some ocassions because of fear of losing his change when he hands in over bigger bills. He definitely had had some bad experiences with the cab drivers in this capital city of the Philippines.

My village is where most natives like the Igorots thrive and have their sanctuaries there. (These days though, the natives there have been outnumbered by the invasion of people from the lowlands and from Manila. The small city which was originally created by the Americans many years back was intended to accommodate only roughly around twenty five thousand people. These days, people there could be estimated at around half a million.)

I have an Ibaloi blood though my mom is from Leyte-an Island in the Visayan Region. My country the Philippines is an archipelago consisting of more than 7,000 islands. It is further sub-divided into three major group of islands, Luzon, Visayas and Mindanao. So my dad is from Luzon and my mom is from Visayas.

Going back to my hometown, it is a small city with denuded mountains of pine trees. It is still holds its title though as the "Summer Capital of the Philippines'' because of its cold weather which tourists really get attracted to all year out. Oh and I miss that small city of simple life. I miss the rainy days where I could stroll down Session Road and drop in some singing rooms and coffee shops, savoring the cool weather under thick jackets and sweat shirts.

Get Rid of That Procrastination

Finally, let me rewelcome myself to this world of bloggers. I had it once on MSN's myspace but I just quit because there was no motivation. Why would I make myself public in the first place for nothing?

I used to be into writing wayback in my highschool and university years but since becoming an ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher, that passion just faded away. I like to write different stuff like poems, one liners, unfinished short stories if I may call them and so on. I have my collection of poems written in Filipino because that is my lingua-franca and I am really more comfortable with that. I'm just kinda trying hard to push myself into writing using English as my medium because I want more people to know me, understand me, and perhaps, share with me their ideas and perhaps intrusion?

This is me. I finally made my way here. I have more to tell, revelations, trials, solitude, happiness, excitement, ideas, experiences, etc. These things complete the colorful journey in life of your's truly-Lord Manila Stone.