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Saturday, October 20, 2007

Uncertainty


Once upon a time, when I was a high school student, I had a dream. I was very vocally zealous to share with my friends, classmates, and to all the people I was comfortable with my bright expectations for the future. I dreamt of having my own family.

Whenever asked about my future plans, I recall myself say, "I'd get married at the age of 30 just in time after I have afforded a car, a home, sacks of diapers, and other necessary provisions for my family. I had learned then that the ideal number of kids for parents to raise was "four" and I had wanted to have "three".

Once upon a time, I was a mirror of vigour who showed passion in studying, treading the propitious journey towards the pot of gold- the realization of my dream.

But then, once upon a time, the azure sky slowly faded away as the clouds humiliated its ostentatious display of hope and the thought that it was free to to dream after all was drastically ripped off me. I progressed and moved forward looking at the horizon conjoined with the unfolding of my individuality. The bitter reality of my personality made the easily achievable farfetched. The ingrained social prejudice for people with queer sexual orientation seemed to have blurred out the actualization of my most cherished dream. I felt I was doomed for life for something I didn't want to be a part of my existence. I knew I would never get married to a woman who could bring forth my offsprings.

I am gay and whether I like it or not, it's much harder than I thought to actually have a family I can call my own. I want to have my own biological children but something in me is telling that the idea of it alone is hard to stomach. I often think of the feasibility of adopting some children but my paranoia and insecurity wouldn't let me settle for such. I know there must be other options. I am not too old to allow other possibilities in my life.

Earlier today, I was looking at my wounds again. Oh, yeah I forgot to mention that a small one has just popped out but it is manageable so far. The hardened blood seem to be slowly chipping off the wound and is gradually leaving a circular scar on my leg. I just kinda had a hard time making my way to the living room from my room on the second floor because the wound is a little swollen. I was prompted to buy myself some antibiotic capsules though I was doubtful If I had to take ‘some meds’ because I am still worried upto now whether that would be good for my recuperation from hepatitis.

AJ had to leave the house earlier and it was a very unusual day for me finding myself alone in the living room watching his nieces and nephews naively playing before my eyes.

Once AJ’s mother told him, “You have to love these kids and take care of them because they will look after you when you get old.” I thought of its implication and wondered to myself whether his mom guessed he would not settle for his own family in the future. Sometimes AJ tells me of his plans to get married and have his own family. Though it surely makes me sad and uncomfortable, I always tell him to do what is expected of him. I tell him that it is his freedom to do so and that I don’t have the right to tell him not to. If he wants to get married then so be it. I know where I stand in his life and I am totally different from a woman who can provide him with children. I know my limitations and I know that the relationship we have is temporal.

As always, I see AJ so close to his nephews and nieces and even sometimes to the point of pampering them like giving them a treat at commercialized fast food chains, buying them presents everytime he can afford to.

As for me, I don't have my own nieces and nephews yet and when the time comes I have, I am not sure if I can be loved by them as AJ's nieces and nephews love him.

For now, all I can do is to live life as it is. I certainly don't want to live a solitary life in the future. AJ, is not everything to me but he certainly makes me happy and is the alleviation of my fears and worries in life. For how long? I am uncertain.

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2 comments:

cyberpunk said...

This post reminded me of a talk I had with a gay officemate last year. I asked him if the idea of having his own family had ever crossed his mind. He said yes, and that he was planning to actually get married (to a woman) and have kids someday.

Kinda sad, but I guess that's reality. Even straight people worry about growing old alone, but I guess it's doubly hard for gays, since most "boyfriends" stick with them just for the money (at least here in the philippines).

A while back, there was news about a gay couple (americans? can't remember) that decided to raise a kid. They seemed like responsible, loving people who really wanted and loved the child, so I was happy for them. Perhaps more gay couples would follow suit. Truth be told, I think gay couples can raise better kids, compared to normal couples who usually have kids by accident.

LORD MANILA STONE said...

hi cyberpunk, so nice of you to drop some words and really take the time to read the post, i really appreciate your thoughts, thanks a lot^^ hope to see more of you here^^