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Friday, November 23, 2007

Before the Duck Hunt


For several days, I had to arduously hit the books almost memorizing each page, word per word. I had to shut down the door from the insouciant dealings with my friends. I was sleepless, expectant, and anxious a few days before the Mid-term Exams.

My preliminary marks impassioned me to better my studies. It was an enticing headstart of the making of my future. How propitious it was to look forward to a time when my parents could worry no more of their financial responsibility for my education. I wanted to be a part of the Dean's List, eager to devoid my parents of miraculously providing for my tuition fee. I just wanted to help them and help myself.

Then the day came when my dad told me something that would ruin all my plans. That he had no money. That he was sorry and all he could do was to push me to talk to the university's treasurer at the registrar's office, to make a promisory note, just take the exams anyway and pay them by the time my dad's ready.

But my intense emotions and outright frustration didn't give my dad the chance to be heard. I remember leaving him in the room and just got out of the house to vent out my rage. After dinner, I returned home, quiet. My face was a picture of failure and so was my dad who couldn't talk anymore. No words came out of his mouth until everybody at home except me had to go to sleep. I knew how sorry my dad was, and I too felt sorry for my compulsion contrived me to abscond. Before the neighbors' roosters made their competitive racket, I saw myself with an old bag and my clothes in it.

I ended up at a friend's house just around the village. That's where I found the shoulders of a comforting outlet, talked with my friends, heard and felt their commiseration. How I wanted to forget the recent event that I started indulging in drinking, severe smoking, and willfully disregarded giving my dad and myself a second chance. I rebelled and found temporary refuge in a place so familiar with my parents and my siblings.

I felt better as the days progressed. My friends place served as my convalescence. Not a day went on though seeing my brother through the shutters, knocking at the door, calling out my name. He would talk to some of my friends and tell them I was being asked by my parents to go back home and that my parents were worried about me. My brother had to go home frustrated since my friends were so protective and one word was enough for them to lie about my whereabouts.

My heart is so weak and sometimes hiding my emotions is hard to deal with. "I will soon recover, I will soon go back home." I told myself while looking at my brother walk away.

9 comments:

Cyberpunk said...

This reminded me of college. I went to DLSU and there were lots of rich kids there who didn't care about failing, since they had the money to retake the courses.

It's ironic. There are people like you who really want to continue their studies but just didn't have the money, and there are people who have all the resources but don't value their schooling.

LORD MANILA STONE said...

yes, indeed it is cyberpunk, how i wished students who have the resources to go to school gave importance to the efforts of their parents, that certainly could make a lot of difference to ameliorate our country's condition...^^

awannabe said...

Theres something I can't relate to, and thats being angry at a parent for not being able to afford college tuition. Its such a struggle to survive these days. I hope you have forgiven your father...

LORD MANILA STONE said...

@awannabe

yes, i have forgiven him and we are in good terms so far, it's true, struggle is always associated with life and I think i just missed that at those times, i took things in stride on a whim, i have some regrets and how i wish i could turn back time...sometimes emotions become so powerful it deprives us to think rationally...

Malditang Pinay! said...

Oh Lord life is indeed unfair! Still hats off to you for going this far.

Nick said...

This so mirrored my own college experience...

Wow, was like looking in a mirror that reflected the past...

My parents had the money, they just told me they didn't think I was worth the investment!

Glad I was able to prove all of them wrong...

Found your blog through Sparky's, hope you didn't mind me leaving a comment...

Your writing style is very impressive and most enjoyable...

Take care,

Nick

*Sparky* said...

I'm not in a position where I can help my children with their college funds. But, they've known this up front and have grown up knowing that we are each responsible for contributing to our own well being. I think if I'd allowed them to grow up thinking I'd take care of it for them, they might be a bit peeved if I couldn't deliver... but they've grown up watching me struggle to make ends meet, knowing that being a single mom has its limitations, and they never begrudge me for them.

It's good to know you and your father have worked things out, and that you've still found a way to reach for the stars.

*Sparky*

monaco said...

this is something I can really relaye to but mine is the opposite case. unfortunately, I squandered my education, defying my parents wishes. this is one of my regrets, how I disappointed my parents, my father in particular. I hope that I have made it up to him.

LORD MANILA STONE said...

@sparky and malditang pinay

your comments are always appreciated, you make me happy and your presence here makes my heart sing...being a single mom sparky and doing your best to make both ends meet is really admirable...

@nick, it is a pleasure that you dropped by and thanks a lot for leaving a comment and for the appreciation...^^

@monaco

i think you have indeed, your posts give me the feeling that you are a good son, i actually feel like going to school next year, i hope i could straighten out things to push through...