Looking Beyond The Horizon

My childish impulse made me believe I wanted to be an engineer. In my adolescence though, one simple yet inevitable revelation changed all that-the revelation of my sexuality. This irreversible revelation was harder to chew than some smoked horse meat. I had to swallow it then, accept it as a part of my wholeness.

"I haven't heard of any gay engineers," I heard myself say in highschool. It was a quick decision. I just realized I had to bury that dream of mine even if there were attempts of evasion, believing I wasn't created as one of those abhorred and despised by many people. I didn't want to give up that dream I have since envisioned but the inflamed passion for writing I just discovered of myself handed the verdict I had to be served in weaving my future.

Prohibiting myself to succumb to the notoriety stigmatized by homosexuality, I had to believe in a while that I was made a man and the femininity in me wasn't indelible. But I was mistaken, the more I tried to elude the reality of my nature, the more pain I had to go through all my life. But to top it all, I wanted to prove something that would ameliorate the ingrained, grotesque picture associated with homosexuality. Though my primary dream was a meek witness of my evolving sexuality, a witness stifled in oblivion, I grinned with optimism to ready myself for a detour.

I took up Mass Communications in college. Primordially, the course took me to a smooth sailing ship in a serene sea, mirroring the azure skies that lit my earnest dream. I was determined to be a journalist. Until one day, the swells of the sea disembarked me from my journey. Until one day, despite of trying so hard, the course I was taking turned rutted. I dropped out of school, derailed by lack of funds at a spitting distance from the terminus. I never graduated.