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Monday, November 12, 2007

Dilemma?


Today, AJ and I left the house a few minutes away from midday. The thoughts of what seemed like a confrontation with Ate Gemma persisted in my head. I kept thinking about how embarrassed I was yesterday. Did it matter if I answered or not? What would have been her reaction if I had lied? If I had told the truth I didn't have a girlfriend, would have that diminished the manliness I have been trying to project for myself after a while? Wasn't my blushing enough to keep her silent and never bother to pester me again anyway?

'Out of the frying pan and into the fire.' This cliche should explain well of how I feel now and what I have always felt while at the pretense of cohabitating with AJ. I love him and he loves me. I want to be free but he is scared and so I am. There was a time he readied himself for the revelation but that was the time I changed my mind. I don't want to ruin the respect he has earned for himself, and attributed to him by his family and mostly his neighbors. There are just so many consequences to deal with. So long as we have each other, we'll try to deal with all these adversaries that come our way. Though it means constricting our rage of this egregious picture of sexual discrimination.

That wasn't the first time my gender was put to test. People have always been so speculative, skeptical, of who and what I am. They might have some faint ideas but these are bridled for fear of hurting me or staving me off humiliation. On one hand, there are offendingly blunt people who want to see my embarrassment, see me contract like an anathema, laugh at the ridicule of my sexuality. I enjoyed the previous jobs I had had but I had to leave. My upbringing did not prepare me to readily ward off such innuendos. For years, I have learned how to keep the pain filtering through my human individuality. But I surely know who I am.

12 comments:

awannabe said...

Its sad when we have to hide our true selves from society.

LORD MANILA STONE said...

it's true awannabe, i am my true self mostly outside of aj's home, i am gathering enough strength to break free from this bondage, some of AJ's brothers and sisters know the real me but we still don't have enough courage to confront their parents and the other people around, i know in time, i will be able to...^^

Fruit species said...

How nice if we can have a world of our own :) We can leave all our worries far behind and look forward to whatever nice things may come

LORD MANILA STONE said...

how true fruity, i always dream of that and won't give up...^^

morinn said...

what really matters is your own happiness and that of the one you love, but then when society comes in between this love everything seems so restricted. i absolutely hate to feel that way. all those sexual, religious, race discriminations are unbearable! :(

shiera said...

It's a decision whether to continue pretending so as to avoid hurting other people, or to stop pretending inorder to stop hurting ourselves.

As for you, I know you'd choose the first one... I really wish you all the strength to keep going. ;)

shiera said...

It's a decision whether to continue pretending so as to avoid hurting other people, or to stop pretending inorder to stop hurting ourselves.

As for you, I know you'd choose the first one... I really wish you all the strength to keep going. ;)

Lex said...

you know the perfect time will come and you can just stay the way you are right now and still be yourself.. to be gay is not to be femme. :) its being happy about being yourself and your sexual orientation. (tama ba tong pinagsasabi ko? english kz)

LORD MANILA STONE said...

yes lex, i am encouraged by what you said, i have to agree that time can tell and i can wait^^

Malditang Pinay! said...

it's a tough position you're in right now, i'm sure someday when the cat is finally out of the bag you'll life with no worries... keep blogging!

cheers!

Cyberpunk said...

I know this is easier said than done, but why not just come out? It will be hard at first, but I think it will be liberating. Esp for someone like you who's in a serious and loving relationship.

I have several gay officemates. At first, everyone speculated about their sexuality. But when they confirmed our suspicions, their sexuality stopped being an issue.

LORD MANILA STONE said...

@malditang pinay and cyberpunk

i'm sure the day will come when everybody shall be enlightened about who and what I am, i just need space for now i guess